Here are my power rankings for Week 16 of the NFL season.
1. Denver Broncos (12-2 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
The sheep is me, trying to express my doubt in the Broncos as a genuine Super Bowl champion.
The dog is the Broncos, forcing me to shut up again.
The kid is … I don’t know, maybe Russell Wilson is appropriate here?
2. Los Angeles Rams (11-3, No. 3)
Losing Davante Adams hurts because now they’ll have to throw to Puka Nacua 27 times per game instead of the usual 22.
3. Seattle Seahawks (11-3, No. 4)
AND HE KNOWS TO USE HIS TIMEOUTS DEFENSIVELY DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY’RE AHEAD AND THE COLTS AREN’T NECESSARILY IN OBVIOUS SCORING POSITION?
4. Buffalo Bills (10-4, No. 6)
It’s all coming together for them to finally win a Super Bowl.
What could possibly go wrong?
5. New England Patriots (11-3, No. 1)
This is … awkward.
6. Jacksonville Jaguars (10-4, No. 7)
7. Chicago Bears (10-4, No. 8)
This ISN’T Joe Montana and Dwight Clark?
8. Houston Texans (9-5, No. 9)
Look man, when you’re struggling in the red zone you need to get creative. Perhaps the Ravens can take notes?
9. Los Angeles Chargers (10-4, No. 10)
Me when someone says the Orioles paid too much for Pete Alonso.
10. San Francisco 49ers (10-4, No. 11)
11. Green Bay Packers (9-4-1, No. 5)
In this week’s new print issue of PressBox, some idiot who was asked a couple of weeks ago will suggest to you that you should have a Packers Super Bowl futures ticket. Ignore that idiot. His name rhymes with “Schmlen Schmlark” and he definitely didn’t purchase said ticket with his American dollars after talking himself into the odds being juicy.
12. Philadelphia Eagles (9-5, No. 13)
Big week for old guys. In addition to the Philip Rivers thing, the Eagles had the oldest player in franchise history to ever record a sack …
Ahh. I’m now being told it was actually Brandon Graham. Management regrets the error.
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-6, No. 15)
When the group gets an A on the project and, sure, you didn’t DIRECTLY do any of the work but you were super supportive.
14. Detroit Lions (8-6, No. 12)
If the Lions get in, they could be a Super Bowl contender.
I have no idea if the Lions can get in.
15. Baltimore Ravens (7-7, No. 21)
16. Dallas Cowboys (6-7-1, No. 14)
If you see our friend Ken Zalis, please ask him how his Jerry Jones NFL Executive of the Year campaign is going.
17. Indianapolis Colts (8-6, No. 19)
To be fair, if I did this it would be the single MOST athletic moment of my life.
18. Minnesota Vikings (6-8, No. 22)
Attention the Cincinnati Bengals: did you see how well J.J. McCarthy played yesterday? Maybe you swap him for Joe Burrow? Sounds pretty good if you ask me.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-7, No. 16)
The good news is that no one in Florida likely noticed because they were too busy cutting up and eating a dead hog in front of a clock tower to notice.
20. Carolina Panthers (7-7, No. 17)
Wut.
21. Miami Dolphins (6-8, No. 18)
Death, taxes and the Dolphins being completely incapable of football-ing when it’s chilly.
22. New Orleans Saints (4-10, No. 24)
Why exactly in the blue hell did they do anything other than play Tyler Shough at the start of the season?
23. Atlanta Falcons (5-9, No. 26)
The entire NFC South is not good but kinda frisky and weirdly fun again. Nature truly is healing.
24. Kansas City Chiefs (6-8, No. 20)
Thoughts on prayers to … the NFL and their network partners.
25. Cincinnati Bengals (4-10, No. 23)
26. Washington Commanders (4-10, No. 31)
Kinda wild to trade away your starting running back in favor of a kid you drafted and then wait until Week 15 to figure out that guy might be your guy but this is the Washington Commanders we’re talking about.
27. New York Jets (3-11, No. 25)
They fired their defensive coordinator, which I have to imagine fixes everything.
28. Arizona Cardinals (3-11, No. 27)
29. Tennessee Titans (2-12, No. 28)
Everything might turn now that they’ve finally developed a major offensive weapon.
30. Cleveland Browns (3-11, No. 29)
They may have given Shedeur Sanders the wrong wristband yesterday. A moment so embarrassing it can only be considered “exactly right.”
31. New York Giants (2-12, No. 30)
I guess you do have to give them credit for not screwing up the chance to add another No. 1 overall pick.
32. Las Vegas Raiders (2-12, No. 32)
You can’t keep expecting me to say something about them for three more weeks.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox