Here are my power rankings for Week 6 of the NFL season.
1. Buffalo Bills (4-1, No. 1 ranking last week)
CAN CONFIRM!
2. Philadelphia Eagles (5-0, No. 2)
There hasn’t been a weekend this bad for Cardinals since “Spotlight” came out in theaters.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (4-1, No. 3)
Travis Kelce finished with four touchdowns on Monday night, or one for as many times as I said “I’m starting to think the Chiefs might regret having gone to the bargain bin at wide receiver.”
4. Dallas Cowboys (4-1, No. 8)
What do Cowboys fans and every 49-year-old white dude you know have in common?
An unhealthy obsession with Rush.
5. Minnesota Vikings (4-1, No. 6)
I’m going to guess you weren’t paying attention and might not even know what the Vikings did this weekend. So if I told you that Kirk Cousins set a record by starting 17-for-17 and finished with roughly 300 yards, you should now probably know that it was a Sunday 1 p.m. game against the Bears and they still only barely won it.
6. San Francisco 49ers (3-2, No. 9)
Someone in your life is about to spend an absolutely ridiculous amount of effort trying to convince you that they knew who Talanoa Hufanga was and always saw him becoming one of the best safeties in football. They’re lying. They’re a football hipster dork.
Also that someone is me.
7. Baltimore Ravens (3-2, No. 11)
Live look at your homey that you always make fun of for taking Justin Tucker in the fifth round (we call him “Brad” in our league) every year …
8. New York Giants (4-1, No. 14)
“Hi, Dad! I got a job in the NFL!”
“Oh, that’s great son, what are you doing?
“Oh, you know, just normal NFL stuff.”
9. Miami Dolphins (3-2, No. No. 4)
If anyone knew who he was, Skylar Thompson should be embarrassed to show his face around town this week.
10. Green Bay Packers (3-2, No. 5)
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-2, No. 12)
12. Los Angeles Chargers (3-2, No. 13)
Me to my sinus cavities:
13. Tennessee Titans (3-2, No. 16)
It’s that thing where yeah, they’ll probably end up clinching the AFC South by Thanksgiving, after all, but also, it’s not GREAT to be coming within 2 yards of losing to the Commanders.
14. Cincinnati Bengals (2-3, No. 7)
15. New York Jets (3-2, No. 21)
It’s that thing where you don’t apologize for winning but it also PROBABLY matters that you were facing a man named “Skylar,” too.
16. Los Angeles Rams (2-3, No. 10)
17. Indianapolis Colts (2-2-1, No. 22)
I would talk about what the Colts did in their last game, but I don’t want to cause any of the survivors of the game any PTSD.
18. New England Patriots (2-3, No. 27)
19. New Orleans Saints (2-3, No. 23)
When Taysom Hill does something in a football game.
20. Denver Broncos (2-3, No. 18)
21. Cleveland Browns (2-3, No. 19)
22. Arizona Cardinals (2-3, No. 20)
Football fans: No one has a tougher situation at home right now than Tom Brady.
The Cardinals (losing their eighth straight at home): Pleased to be holding my beer.
23. Las Vegas Raiders (1-4, No. 17)
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3, No. 15)
Two weeks ago I traded DeAndre Hopkins for Trevor Lawrence and I’m never going to financially recover from this.
25. Atlanta Falcons (2-3, No. 24)
I’m really surprised that the Falcons are now 0-11 all-time against Tom Brady because I would have sworn it was more like 3-28.
26. Seattle Seahawks (2-3, No. 25)
27. Chicago Bears (2-3, No. 26)
Think I might pass on Bears-Commanders and watch something less dark and soul-crushing and vile. Like “Dahmer.”
28. Houston Texans (1-3-1, No. 32)
Incredible moment for Dameon Pierce, who can only hope to go on to have the career success of Texans legends … Steve Slaton and Ben Tate.
29. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-4, No. 28)
Pity.
30. Carolina Panthers (1-4, No. 29)
I need a credible “DJ Moore to the Ravens” rumor more than I need air to breathe. It would be more delicious and addictive than that first apple cider doughnut of the season.
31. Detroit Lions (1-4, No. 30)
Hi, guy that traded DeAndre Hopkins for Trevor Lawrence here. Can I tell you about how in my other league, I also benched Aaron Rodgers for Jared Goff? You can read more about it in my book “You Know What? Go Ahead And Jump.”
32. Washington Commanders (1-4, No. 31)