Here are my power rankings for Week 18 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (15-1 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
So our theme is “wishes” for 2025. Specifically, what the team is wishing for, not what I’m wishing for them. You might ask why I’m going out of my way to say that, but I went back and looked at the Week 18 Power Rankings from last season and I REALLY should have made it clearer. These are told from THEIR perspective.
For example, “for everything to remain exactly as is.”
2. Minnesota Vikings (14-2, No. 2)
For the carriage to never turn back into a pumpkin.
3. Buffalo Bills (13-3, No. 3)
“For those mean people who want to give the best player the MVP award to instead listen to our much more compelling argument that, ‘We really want it to be our turn, you guys!'”
4. Detroit Lions (14-2, No. 4)
More of this. Less of this? The perfect amount of this.
5. Baltimore Ravens (11-5, No. 7)
To claim that OTHER MVP award this time.
6. Philadelphia Eagles (13-3, No. 6)
To never have to utter the words “Tanner McKee” again.
7. Green Bay Packers (11-5, No. 5)
That proverbial “next step.”
8. Los Angeles Rams (10-6, No. 9)
For another high-level receiver. Someone similar to that guy Cooper Kupp we used to have.
9. Washington Commanders (11-5, No. 10)
That no one might pinch us.
10. Los Angeles Chargers (10-6, No. 11)
For our coach to FINALLY get one over on his big brother or at least not be embarrassed by him.
11. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6, No. 8)
That T.J. Watt might improve by like 175 percent in the next couple of weeks.
12. Cincinnati Bengals (8-8, No. 17)
A literal miracle.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-7, No. 19)
That the rest of the NFC is actually super mid too and we just don’t realize it yet.
14. Denver Broncos (9-7, No. 12)
Lots of whatever a “Chris Oladokun” is.
15. Seattle Seahawks (9-7, No. 15)
Some sort of miracle that gets us out of quarterback purgatory.
16. Miami Dolphins (8-8, No. 16)
Unfortunately, probably the same.
17. Atlanta Falcons (8-8, No. 14)
Oh gee, I don’t know, maybe like a coach WHO HAS ANY CLUE OR CONCEPT OF A PLAN FOR HOW TO USE A FCKING GOAMN TIMEOUT???? ONE? ONE FCKING TIMEOUT HOLY SH*T WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING YOU GUYS BUT ALSO YOU CALLED “HEADS” AT THE START OF OVERTIME? HEADS? BECAUSE IT’S LIKE THE FAMOUS RHYME SCHEME SAYS, “HEADS NEVER FAILS,” RIGHT? HOW IN THE EVER LOVING HELL DOES YOUR KEYCARD STILL WORK? But yeah, nothing really.
18. Houston Texans (9-7, No. 13)
“Those bowl game opt-outs … can you do those but for a team in the playoffs?”
19. Dallas Cowboys (7-9, No. 18)
An entire top-down cleanse but again, we’ll settle for our receivers not being blinded when they try to do their jobs.
20. Indianapolis Colts (7-9, No. 20)
For really short memories. Like, memories so short that by the time our players show up they’re already over.
21. Arizona Cardinals (7-9, No. 21)
Honestly? To just, like, not be the Arizona Cardinals.
22. San Francisco 49ers (6-10, No. 22)
Anyone who might have answers.
23. Las Vegas Raiders (4-12, No. 27)
A machine with which to clone Brock Bowers and Maxx Crosby and make the entire team out of them.
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-12, No. 30)
That maybe Bill Belichick has already had enough of college football.
Or at least that no one in Florida will continue to notice because they’re too busy stealing liquor from the bar at their neighborhood Applebee’s … or something … to notice.
25. Carolina Panthers (4-12, No. 23)
Significantly more of the “good Bryce Young” and we are introduced to maybe some good at some other positions too?
26. New Orleans Saints (5-11, No. 24)
That we’re anything other than just Kirk Cousins’ next stop on the way home.
27. New York Giants (3-13, No. 32)
For no cameras to be allowed into the building all offseason and then preferably during the games next year too.
28. New York Jets (4-12, No. 25)
That people will stop making jokes like this about us on the internet.
29. Tennessee Titans (3-13, No. 28)
For everyone to keep talking about how insane the Giants were for letting Saquon Barkley go. I mean, that was crazy, wasn’t it?
30. Cleveland Browns (3-13, No. 26)
That perhaps we just skip the next few football seasons or maybe all of them?
31. New England Patriots (3-13, No. 29)
Someone else to REALLY want Shadeur Sanders and/or Cam Ward.
32. Chicago Bears (4-12, No. 31)
“I mean, sure, we’ve gotten our last 47 coaching searches wrong but THIS one is the one.”
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox