Here are my power rankings for Week 15 of the NFL season.
1. New England Patriots (11-2 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
A bye week in Boston could lead you to checking out a Ward Eight … or eight.
A Ward Eight is a blend of whiskey, lemon juice, orange juice, grenadine, and soda water garnished with a maraschino cherry and an orange slice. Sounds more like the whiskey version of a Tequila Sunrise than an old-world Boston cocktail, but old-world it is. Legend has it the elixir was created for 19th-century Boston mover-and-shaker Martin Lomasney, an influential career politician who had just been elected to represent the city’s Eighth Ward in the Massachusetts House of Representatives. Lomasney and his supporters were at Locke-Ober celebrating the victory when someone asked the bartender to create a cocktail in honor of Lomasney’s win.
2. Denver Broncos (11-2, No. 2)
Make it 10 straight wins for the Broncos, or one for every time you’ve said “but I’m just not sure if they’re really this good” during the stretch.
3. Los Angeles Rams (10-3, No. 3)
This is Sean McVay’s seventh double-digit win season in nine years with the Rams.
The team they beat yesterday has had five double-digit win seasons … since moving to Arizona in 1988.
4. Seattle Seahawks (10-3, No. 4)
Seems good!
5. Green Bay Packers (9-3-1 No. 6)
Phenomenal breakdown by Jay.
6. Buffalo Bills (9-4, No. 8)
Congratulations to Randallstown’s own …
7. Jacksonville Jaguars (9-4, No. 9)
I don’t want to try to pretend like they’re the Powder Blue Chargers or Orange Crush Broncos or Kelly Green Eagles uniforms, but there’s definitely no reason the Jaguars shouldn’t wear these every week.
8. Chicago Bears (9-4, No. 5)
It’s that thing where you want to be complimentary because they played really well against a really good team, but also it kinda feels like an inevitable hammer and nail thing too?
9. Houston Texans (8-5, No. 10)
There’s no recovering from this. Watch the tight shot of his face afterward. This is worse than a time I told a girl that I knew Benji and Joel from Good Charlotte in 2007 and walked over to introduce her to them at an Orioles game and they walked away the literal moment that I got to them.
10. Los Angeles Chargers (9-4, No. 12)
When you remember to order your wife’s gift with literally just enough time to be comfortable that it will ship and arrive in time.
11. San Francisco 49ers (9-4 No. 11)
A bye week in the Bay Area could bring you a (pricey and apparently quite potent) Pisco Punch.
San Francisco has been a drinking town going back to the days of the Gold Rush and the infamous Barbary Coast. Pisco punch – a potent combination of Peruvian brandy, pineapple, lime juice, sugar, gum Arabic and water – is the city’s contribution to drinking lore. It was invented at the old Bank Exchange & Billiard Saloon in San Francisco in the 1850s.
12. Detroit Lions (8-5, No. 15)
They play the Rams this week. I don’t know how to explain this, but literally every game the Lions have played this season has been the Super Bowl.
13. Philadelphia Eagles (8-5, No. 7)
I, for one, am shocked that an inflatable Easter Bunny in the locker room didn’t solve all of the Eagles’ problems.
Did they even consider getting and/or removing a ping pong table?
14. Dallas Cowboys (6-6-1 No. 14)
Remember when Ken Zalis suggested that Jerry Jones should be Executive of the Year for fixing the defense?
15. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-6, No. 21)
This f*ckery might last forever.
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-5, No. 16)
Wut.
17. Carolina Panthers (7-6, No. 17)
If you spent bye week in North Carolina, you may have enjoyed a lovely cherry bounce …
A classic recipe for the cherry bounce calls for cherries, sugar, and some sort of liquor for steeping, typically brandy, whiskey, bourbon, or occasionally vodka. Like fruitcake, it requires much steeping time which results in very intense (and real) cherry flavor. It can taste almost saccharinely sweet, with a strong boozy kick.
18. Miami Dolphins (6-7, No. 19)
In the unlikely event that the Ravens were to beat the Bengals, I’m gonna need you guys to teach me how to be a Dolphins fan. Do they have a song? Maybe like a chant? Other than “Finkle Is Einhorn” anyway?
19. Indianapolis Colts (8-5, No. 13)
Philip Rivers? Philip Rivers??? I’m reasonably certain Philip Rivers was once teammates with John Unitas in San Diego.
20. Kansas City Chiefs (6-7, No. 18)
Should be illegal for the Ravens to be this bad in a year where we could otherwise be enjoying the demise of the Chiefs.
21. Baltimore Ravens (6-7, No. 20)
But think about all of the positives. Like … how they have past Super Bowls that we can remember and reflect on! Not everyone has that!
22. Minnesota Vikings (5-8, No. 25)
The last team an NFL team recorded a shutout one week after being shut out, the No. 1 song in the country was “End Of The Road” by Boyz II Men, which it just so happens is the official anthem of my team in the league where I took Justin Jefferson No. 5 overall.
23. Cincinnati Bengals (4-9, No. 22)
You mean to tell me their defense isn’t quite as good as the Ravens’ offense made them appear to be? I’m shocked. Shocked, I tell you.
24. New Orleans Saints (3-10, No. 29)
It’s kinda criminal that Tyler Shough’s last name is pronounced “Shuck” instead of “Show” because those Tyler “Sheaux” jerseys would go very hard.
25. New York Jets (3-10, No. 23)
I’m pretty sure “Brady Cook” isn’t real. I’m pretty sure that’s just an AI generation.
26. Atlanta Falcons (4-9, No. 24)
Remember when we said they “were confusing” because it was much nicer than saying “were suck?”
27. Arizona Cardinals (3-10, No. 26)
28. Tennessee Titans (2-11, No. 32)
1) Congratulations.
2) It was the Browns.
3) Congratulations tho.
29. Cleveland Browns (3-10, No. 27)
They lost at home to what had been the worst team in the NFL and it was genuinely one of the most pleasant days in recent Browns history.
30. New York Giants (2-11, No. 30)
Perhaps a New York Sour or four to wash down your bye week troubles?
The New York sour is a standout of the whiskey sour family that dates back to the 19th century. While its core is a fairly classic combination of whiskey, fresh lemon, and sugar, the drink calls for a small pour of red wine to be floated ever so carefully on top of the otherwise mixed drink. This creates a showy red streak that has undoubtedly contributed to the cocktail’s longevity.
31. Washington Commanders (3-10, No. 28)
Glad I held a roster spot for Jayden Daniels for the last couple of months. Super worth it.
32. Las Vegas Raiders (2-11, No. 31)
Statement cover.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox