Here are my power rankings for Week 14 of the NFL season.
1. New England Patriots (11-2 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
2. Denver Broncos (10-2, No. 3)
It’s that thing where you’re pretty sure that if you need a near-miracle to beat Marcus Mariota and the Commanders then you probably can’t actually be the second-best team in football but also you’ve seen all of the other teams in football.
3. Los Angeles Rams (9-3, No. 1)
Matthew Stafford is now one behind Brett Favre for the most pick-sixes thrown by a quarterback all time. And the most times (allegedly) taking welfare money and instead using it for a volleyball arena by a quarterback. Just one back in both.
4. Seattle Seahawks (9-3, No. 5)
Still not uncomfortable. Still not thinking about it. Definitely not obsessing over it. Definitely completely understand why he isn’t in Baltimore. Totally good with it not sure why you keep asking.
5. Chicago Bears (9-3, No. 6)
When you remember you bet the Bears to cover.
6. Green Bay Packers (8-3-1, No. 8)
So Jordan Love is, like, good then?
7. Philadelphia Eagles (8-4, No. 5)
Apparently their offensive coordinator’s house got egged after the game, which is weird because Eagles fans are usually known for being so reasonable and normal and not weirdos.
8. Buffalo Bills (8-4, No. 10)
Attention @ the Ravens:
9. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-4, No. 12)
I have checked with my sources and then reached out to other sources to confirm and then had fact checkers look over it and then re-confirmed with my original sources and then wrote my Senator and you guys, they’re really 8-4. That’s not a mistake.
10. Houston Texans (7-5, No. 13)
When your wife asks if you remembered to salt the sidewalk and you say “yes, of course.”
11. San Francisco 49ers (9-4, No. 14)
Me in 2010 after four adult beverages at a wedding.
12. Los Angeles Chargers (8-4, No. 16)
You’d think that I’d be mad about forgetting to put Kimani Vidal in my lineup, but the joke’s on you because I used early picks on Justin Jefferson and Lamar Jackson so I’ve been dead for months.
13. Indianapolis Colts (8-4, No. 7)
Just a real shame.
14. Dallas Cowboys (6-5-1, No. 18)
When I said Jerry Jones was suffering mental decline I meant “mental decline like a fox.”
15. Detroit Lions (7-5, No. 9)
You have Google.
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-4, No. 17)
This is neat.
17. Carolina Panthers (7-6, No. 21)
Wut.
18. Kansas City Chiefs (6-6, No. 15)
They’re gonna be 6-11 and I’m STILL gonna check to see what kind of Super Bowl odds I can get.
19. Miami Dolphins (5-7, No. 20)
It’s crazy how the best argument we have that the current version of the Ravens might be good is that they beat the Dolphins a month ago.
20. Baltimore Ravens (6-6, No. 11)
But a reminder.
21. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-6, No. 19)
22. Cincinnati Bengals (4-8, No. 24)
Everybody talking about how the Bengals can win the division by running the table like there isn’t a VERY realistic possibility the AFC North winner will finish 8-9.
23. New York Jets (3-9, No. 27)
It’s that awkward thing where the best argument that the current Ravens don’t suck is that they have recent wins against the (checks notes) Dolphins and Jets.
24. Atlanta Falcons (4-8, No. 22)
25. Minnesota Vikings (4-8, No. 23)
Suboptimal.
26. Arizona Cardinals (3-9, No. 25)
The good news for the Cardinals is that the game happened in Florida so no one likely noticed because they were too busy … running from deputies and hiding under a mobile home for almost 14 hours.
27. Cleveland Browns (3-9, No. 26)
But also, biggest week for the word “ho” since Ludacris released the album “Back For The First Time” in 2000.
28. Washington Commanders (3-8, No. 28)
Pretty good week when you think about it. They almost won a game.
29. New Orleans Saints (2-10, No. 29)
This is wholesome.
30. New York Giants (2-11, No. 30)
31. Las Vegas Raiders (2-10, No. 31)
The Raiders were eliminated from playoff contention, meaning that Maryland basketball will still have won an ACC tournament more recently than the Raiders have won a playoff game.
32. Tennessee Titans (1-11, No. 32)
You don’t expect me to keep trying to say something about the Titans every week, right? Like, we’re better than that, aren’t we?
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox