Here are my power rankings for Week 14 of the NFL season.
1. Baltimore Ravens (10-2 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
On Oct. 19, I put $10 down on a ticket with 500,000-1 odds that they would win every game the rest of the season by at least two touchdowns … and I came THIS CLOSE to cashing in and letting you rank your own stupid teams.
2. Seattle Seahawks (10-2, No. 2)
Sure but they need to “Cool It Now” with these celebrations …
3. New Orleans Saints (10-2, No. 5)
Live look at me as Alvin Kamara puts together another 12-point performance just as we’re getting ready for the playoffs.
4. San Francisco 49ers (10-2, No. 3)
You just can’t help but wonder how that game might have been different had it been played in conditions at little bit closer to “Feb. 2 in Miami,” y’know?
5. Kansas City Chiefs (8-4, No. 7)
The single thing that scares me most is … looking back on social media posts I made 12 years ago. Who the hell was I and what did I think social media was for? What scares me second most is the possibility of a playoff matchup with a healthy Chiefs team.
6. Green Bay Packers (9-3, No. 8)
Aaron Rodgers celebrated a birthday this week. He’s becoming one of the true gray hairs in the NFL but yet was not alive the last time the Orioles won the World Series if you were looking for something to wreck your Ravens high.
7. Houston Texans (8-4, No. 9)
Seems like a really big win on paper but then you realize, oh no, it isn’t even halfway over yet.
8. New England Patriots (10-2, No. 4)
There’s nothing wrong with being practical about it. They’re an average football team at best right now. We have this thing where if you say something accurate about a football team, someone thinks you’re making a prediction about the future. I’m not. Perhaps they’ll be good again at some point. But at the moment they are most certainly not that. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
9. Buffalo Bills (9-3, No. 10)
Instead of doing any shtick I’d prefer to just share that Jim Kelly package CBS ran on Thanksgiving again because sometimes sports are actually good.
10. Minnesota Vikings (8-4, No. 6)
Live look at me scrambling to see if somehow Alexander Mattison is on the waiver wire because I am an idiot and forgot that Dalvin Cook was definitely going to get hurt at some point …
11. Tennessee Titans (7-5, No. 12)
Derrick Henry having a huge second half is more reliable than Michigan fans convincing themselves they can beat Ohio State and then losing by 100 points.
12. Los Angeles Rams (7-5, No. 14)
It was a good win, but marred a bit by Jared Goff going on Kimmel and admitting that he’s never heard of Van Brocklin.
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-5, No. 17)
My friend Steve Bole is a little high strung. He’s a Steelers fan and called me screaming “MIKE TOMLIN IS THE COACH OF THE YEAR!” So I said back, ‘Yeah, John Harbaugh literally changed everything about his football team and Kyle Shanahan turned a 4-12 team into one of the best in football, but Tomlin sure has made an average team out of an average roster. You’re right, Hyper Bole.”
14. Dallas Cowboys (6-6, No. 11)
That feeling when it’s Tuesday and you’ve been eating leftovers for four days and you were happy through Sunday but now your wife says, “I don’t want to go shopping until this is all gone …”
15. Indianapolis Colts (6-6, No. 13)
You have to imagine that Frank Reich has been furiously trying to get in touch with Martin Scorsese this week. “Marty … that de-aging trick … that work for kickers???”
16. Oakland Raiders (6-6, No. 15)
The “Carmelo Anthony is done” crowd thinks the Raiders are having a rough couple of weeks.
17. Chicago Bears (6-6, No. 23)
“Did you love watching the Bears stumble through barely beating something called a David Blough AND the Cowboys pissing down their legs on Thanksgiving? Because this Thursday night we bring you … a good opportunity to watch Rudolph if you haven’t yet.”
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-7, No. 24)
They won a football game. It was largely meaningless. Now here’s a video about Pecan Pie Chocolate Chip Cookies.
19. Cleveland Browns (5-7, No. 16)
That was just about the most Browns result since … any of their other results.
20. Philadelphia Eagles (5-7, No. 18)
Sweet of them to recognize the #GivingTuesday spirit and gift the Bengals a chance to win a football game and still feel no sweat about that No. 1 pick.
21. Denver Broncos (4-8, No. 26)
That feeling when you don’t have to pretend like you were still watching the Maryland game every Saturday anymore …
22. New York Jets (4-8, No. 19)
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-8, No. 20)
Gardner Minshew is going to be the quarterback again. It warrants no further discussion. I feel like this turkey and cranberry sauce pizza DOES though.
24. Carolina Panthers (5-7, No. 21)
Losing to the Redskins seemed unlikely. Not “no officer, the wind blew the baggie of cocaine into my car” unlikely, but still.
25. Los Angeles Chargers (4-8, No. 22)
The Chargers have lost all eight games by seven or fewer points. I haven’t seen this many “close but no cigar” scenarios since I spent every Thursday night in college trying to pick up girls at BAR Baltimore.
26. Miami Dolphins (3-9, No. 29)
That feeling when … exactly what just happened happened.
27. Atlanta Falcons (3-9, No. 25)
28. Washington Redskins (3-9, No. 30)
The Redskins could still win the NFC East if they win out and the Cowboys lose out and the Eagles lose all of their games except the Cowboys one and the President of the United States does something rational and Smash Mouth has the No. 1 song in the country next week and Anthony Rendon signs in Baltimore.
29. Arizona Cardinals (3-8-1, No. 27)
The Josh Shaw story is kinda crazy. Not “telling the cops you were speeding because you needed to get home in a hurry since you were cheating on your wife” crazy, but still.
30. Detroit Lions (3-8-1, No. 28)
Me attempting to talk about the Detroit Lions would be as awkward as when my entire family wanted to talk about Baby Yoda and I had to pretend like I had seen an episode of The Mandalorian.
31. New York Giants (2-10, No. 31)
They were dangerously close to falling to 32. Which I’m sure they’re really broken up about.
32. Cincinnati Bengals (1-11, No. 32)
The good news? That crazy Bengals fan can come off his roof.
The bad news? He’s … still in Cincinnati, though.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox