Here are my power rankings for Week 15 of the NFL season.
1. Baltimore Ravens (11-2 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
I took my sons to meet Santa Claus last week. They had very specific wish lists for the big man. My 4-year-old wants the Jackson Storm/Lightning McQueen Turbo Racers and track, and my 2-year-old wants “train stuff.” (My Venmo is open if you want to help brighten the holiday for a pair of sweet kids and their father who would rather spend his money on a hot tub.)
The point is that it inspired this week’s #PowerRankings theme. I’ll suggest something that is on each team’s holiday wish list.
For example, the Ravens should probably wish for:
– Never seeing Lamar Jackson’s name on an injury report ever again ‘til death do us part amen.
2. San Francisco 49ers (11-2, No. 4)
– The Seahawks to lose another game so they don’t have to play a Week 17 game with the difference between the No. 1 seed and literally playing a road game in the first weekend of the playoffs being at stake.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (9-4, No. 5)
– As much information about hand transplants as possible and a list of all willing donors in Kansas City. So all of Kansas City.
4. New Orleans Saints (10-3, No. 3)
– Whatever type of superhuman it takes to be able to tackle a George Kittle.
5. Green Bay Packers (10-3, No. 6)
– A skill position player besides Aaron Jones who wants to help a little bit. Or some more Aaron Joneses.
6. Seattle Seahawks (10-3, No. 2)
– The mind eraser thing from “Men In Black,” set to last Friday.
7. Minnesota Vikings (9-4, No. 10)
– A promise that the NFL won’t change any rules so that playoff games are ever moved to Monday night.
8. Tennessee Titans (8-5, No. 11)
– Someone to check to make sure they’re OK because they’re pretty sure they just told their friends that they’d genuinely rather have Ryan Tannehill than Tom Brady as their quarterback.
9. Los Angeles Rams (8-5, No. 12)
– Did you hear about how the Rockets asked the NBA to replay their game against the Spurs because the refs missed a call? Obviously that’s not happening, but did you know that it has ACTUALLY HAPPENED before? Like, seriously, the Hawks once won a game and celebrated only to later be told by the NBA that they never actually won the game at all and had to win it all over again on a later date. It’s the most insane, most amazing thing and should have been a bigger story than anything in human history besides maybe the moon landing.
So yeah, Santa, can you find a few random clerical errors from the middle of our season and force those games to be played again now that we have our sh*t together?
10. New England Patriots (10-3, No. 8)
– People to stop snickering when they say they feel bad that we got screwed out of multiple touchdowns against the Chiefs.
11. Houston Texans (8-5, No. 7)
– Consistency of any sort.
12. Buffalo Bills (9-4, No. 9)
– ONE more ticky-tack penalty to give us another chance to tie things up, PLEEEAASSEE Santa!
13. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-5, No. 13)
– At least three more weeks worth of smoke and mirrors.
14. Chicago Bears (7-6, No. 17)
– To get to play the Cowboys three more times if at all possible.
15. Philadelphia Eagles (6-7, No. 20)
– Literally any healthy wide receiver at all.
16. Dallas Cowboys (6-7, No. 14)
– Lincoln Riley. Or Urban Meyer. Or Matt Rhule. Or at this point, honestly, probably even Jeff Fisher.
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-7, No. 18)
– A little more fun Jameis … or to live in a state where assaults of elderly folks who ask people to stop masturbating in grocery store parking lots happen like, just SLIGHTLY less frequently.
18. Cleveland Browns (6-7, No. 19)
– Everyone to keep in mind that this is still, by far, the single best Browns season that anyone can possibly remember.
19. Denver Broncos (5-8, No. 21)
– Infinity. And beyond.
20. Indianapolis Colts (6-7, No. 15)
– For Tua Tagovailoa’s injury reports to be not that great … but not THAT bad either.
21. Oakland Raiders (6-7, No. 16)
– Literally anything other than this.
Derek Carr throws the ball away on 4th and goal. #Raiders gave this man $125 million. Sports. pic.twitter.com/pgbozz6cvJ
— Brian Chojnacki (@BroadcastingBri) December 9, 2019
22. New York Jets (5-8, No. 22)
– You know that uniform thing that could have caused the Chiefs to forfeit? Something like that to coincidentally happen just before Thursday night’s game. “Oh we can’t play? That’s just too bad. Le’Veon is really broken up about it most of all.”
23. Los Angeles Chargers (5-8, No. 25)
– To play in a better market where someone might possibly care we exist. Like … Yakima. Or Yuma. Or York. Or Ypsilanti. Or Youngstown.
24. Atlanta Falcons (4-9, No. 27)
– Never having to see the numbers “28” and “3” anywhere near each other again.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-9, No. 23)
– To keep all of the Gardner Minshew Mania without all of the Gardner Minshew.
26. Carolina Panthers (5-8, No. 24)
– For some stupid reason, Bill Cowher still.
27. Miami Dolphins (3-10, No. 26)
– Remember how we said we’d rather win some games than have the No. 1 pick? Can we retract that?
28. Washington Redskins (3-10, No. 28)
– A new owner and a new stadium and a new team name and a new coach and a new quarterback and 52 other new players and a totally new identity but we don’t want our parents to think we’re too materialistic so we’d settle for one good thing to happen ever.
29. Arizona Cardinals (3-9-1, No. 29)
– At least half of the stadium to wear some red occasionally.
30. Detroit Lions (3-9-1, No. 30)
– However much brownie lasagna it takes for the pain to go away.
31. New York Giants (2-11, No. 31)
– Sub-.500 quarterbacks to still be allowed in the Hall of Fame.
32. Cincinnati Bengals (1-12, No. 32)
– We know better than to think it’s going to matter, Santa.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox