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Glenn Clark’s 2019 NFL Power Rankings: Week 16

Glenn Clark , , ,
Hayden Hurst
Here are my power rankings for Week 16 of the NFL season. 

1. Baltimore Ravens (12-2 record, No. 1 ranking last week)

The Terrell Suggs thing is a bummer. I wonder how they’ll manage to get by …


Oh right. 

2. Kansas City Chiefs (10-4, No. 3)

Greatest swerves in history: 

3. Hulk Hogan joining the nWo
2. That scene in “Get Out”
1. When Tyrann Mathieu has a chance to tackle Lamar Jackson on fourth down in the AFC championship game and Suggs tackles him instead and then rips his Chiefs jersey off to unveil the Ravens jersey underneath

3. New Orleans Saints (11-3, No. 4)

All of that AND Drew Brees has spent the entirety of his adult life living in San Diego and New Orleans. 

4. San Francisco 49ers (11-3, No. 2)

The 49ers losing at home to the Falcons is weird. Not “if you poop you have to take less than 10 minutes or else we’re going to come in here and smell you” weird, but weird nonetheless. 

5. Green Bay Packers (11-3, No. 5)

I honestly can’t figure out how good they are. It’s honestly like “The Irishman.” Like, I know it was good. But “Best Picture” good? I dunno, man. The de-aging stuff was as absurd as everyone says it was. But it sure as hell wasn’t a BAD film. It was good. How good? No freaking clue. 

6. Minnesota Vikings (10-4, No. 7)

Dalvin Cook getting hurt exactly when you needed him in the postseason is the most predictable thing to happen since Dalvin Cook got hurt exactly when you needed him in the regular season. 

7. Seattle Seahawks (11-3, No. 6)

The team that got wrecked a week ago by the team that got wrecked this week by the team that had been getting wrecked by everyone is now the No. 1 seed in the NFC. Got that?

8. New England Patriots (11-3, No. 10)

I totally believe that they weren’t purposely trying to spy on the Bengals. I also believe that a multi-tool is a very thoughtful gift and not at all something you just get when you don’t really know anything about the person you’re shopping for. 

9. Houston Texans (9-5, No. 11)

Congratulations to Deshaun Watson on becoming the first player with consecutive seasons of 25 passing touchdowns and five rushing touchdowns. It is a record that Lamar Jackson will, of course, totally demolish like the next time he breathes. 

10. Buffalo Bills (10-4, No. 12)

Congratulations to Buffalo on making the playoffs. The Bills did it with a lot of heart and just the smallest amount of offense. 

11. Tennessee Titans (8-6, No. 8)

Congratulations to the Titans, who went out for a celebratory $10,000 dinner after their big not win over the Texans. 

That’s seriously unbelievable. 

I mean, you went to a $10,000 dinner and someone ordered a $3.50 lemonade?

12. Dallas Cowboys (7-7, No. 16)

Holy hell I did. Not. See. That. Coming. 

Sean Lee drinks coffee from a water bottle during games?


13. Los Angeles Rams (8-6, No. 9)

Don’t worry, Rams. It was only the second-worst thing that happened to California this week. 

14. Philadelphia Eagles (7-7, No. 15)

I was in Philly last week and could really feel the playoff spirit ate a sandwich where the bread was actually pickles and it was slathered in Flamin’ Hot cheetos, sriracha mayo and all of my hopes and dreams.

15. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-6, No. 13)

“mIkE tOmLiN iS mOrE dEsErViNg Of CoAcH oF tHe YeAr ThAn JoHn HaRbAuGh”

16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-7, No. 17)

Some of y’all forgot what happens when you start to trust Jameis Winston too much AND IT SHOWS.

17. Chicago Bears (7-7, No. 14)

I know as much about apparently-still-presidential-candidate Tom Steyer as I do about how the Bears can fix themselves this offseason. 

18. Atlanta Falcons (5-9, No. 24)

They scored 12 points in two seconds against the 49ers. I spent 10 minutes trying to think of a non-sexual punch line to this set-up.

I failed. 

19. Cleveland Browns (6-8, No. 18)

Yeah, sure, this is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened ever, but at least I was just reminded that they took Corey Coleman 32 picks before Michael Thomas was selected in the 2016 NFL Draft, too. 

20. Denver Broncos (5-9, No. 19)

Look Broncos fans, it’s just not that big of a deal. 

You see, Hershey’s Kisses Cereal is a thing now so we’re almost certainly all going to be dead within like six months and we’ll never have to know if Drew Lock was as good as he looked initially or if he’s more of the dud he appeared to be Dec. 15. 

21. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-9, No. 25)

The Jaguars doled out $700,000 worth of fines for “mandatory” treatment that wasn’t actually mandatory at all and I’m totally calling the NFLPA the next time I get a red light camera ticket. 

22. Indianapolis Colts (6-8, No. 20)

I so want to be better than to laugh at this. I mean, obviously I’m not but I want to be. 


23. Oakland Raiders (6-8, No. 21)

Man, it was so heartbreaking seeing that happen in the last game in Oakland. I mean, what did the poor nachos do to anyone to be treated like this? 


24. Arizona Cardinals (4-9-1, No. 29)

They got a win and apparently like half of the Browns’ roster and so that sets them up well to be like, what, the No. 19 team next year?

25. New York Jets (5-9, No. 22)

And team owner Chris Johnson is apparently committed to Adam Gase in 2020, which makes sense because nope, nope it sure as sh*t doesn’t. 

26. Los Angeles Chargers (5-9, No. 23)

And now that he’s broken Peyton Manning’s record, you could maybe make an argument that perhaps it was a mistake for the Chargers to have given up on Drew Brees. 

27. Carolina Panthers (5-9, No. 26)

They’ll give Will Grier a crack at playing quarterback against the Colts Dec. 22, marking it the last thing you’ll care about in the Panthers-Colts game. 

28. New York Giants (3-11, No. 31)

Congratulations to Eli Manning for going out in the absolutely most perfect way. You know, winning an utterly meaningless game to clinch get back to .500 as a quarterback. It’s perfectly Eli Manning. 

29. Miami Dolphins (3-11, No. 27)

You know what isn’t funny? Betting on the Dolphins because they had been playing hard of late and the Giants had looked like poo. 

You know what is funny? This silly SNL Macy’s sketch about winter kids clothes. 

30. Washington Redskins (3-11, No. 28)

Live look at the Redskins when something starts to go even decently well. 


31. Detroit Lions (3-10-1, No. 30)

We can talk about them OR we can talk about brie smashed potatoes. Your call. 

32. Cincinnati Bengals (1-13, No. 32)


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Glenn Clark

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