Here are my power rankings for Week 2 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (1-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
Look, I hate to be the guy who says controversial things for the sake of saying them but I have to tell you guys, I really think the Chiefs might have a chance this season.
2. Baltimore Ravens (1-0, No. 2)
3. New Orleans Saints (1-0, No. 3)
Apparently Saints-Buccaneers was FOX’s most watched NFL broadcast in four years. Or in other words “STOP JUST FCKING PUTTING THE COWBOYS ON EVERY TIME YOU HAVE THE NATIONAL TV GAME YOU NINCOMPOOPS THE LAST TIME WE CARED ABOUT THEM WE WERE DOING THE FCKING MACARENA.”
4. Seattle Seahawks (1-0, No. 6)
Apparently the Seahawks might be allowing Russell Wilson to throw the football this season. Amazing. Next you’re going to tell me that we’re going to start take our medical advice in this country from doctors or something.
5. Tennessee Titans (1-0, No. 5)
But still, more like Stephen “Gotcutski,” emmirite?
6. Green Bay Packers (1-0, No. 7)
Aaron Rodgers threw for 4,000 yards, 26 touchdowns and four interceptions last season, so honestly it makes complete sense that we totally wrote him off as somehow being done and definitely wasn’t one of the most insane storylines in all of football.
7. San Francisco 49ers (0-1, No. 4)
So it was a little weird that the defending NFC champs lost their opener at home. Not “there’s someone on ‘Dancing With The Stars’ this season that we’re all pretty certain killed her husband and we’re just not gonna talk about it” weird, but weird.
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0, No. 11)
Congratulations to Ben Roethlisberger on a successful return from a significant injury. And best of luck to Ben Roethlisberger on what will almost certainly be an upcoming attempt to return from his next significant injury.
9. Buffalo Bills (1-0, No. 12)
The Bills beat the Jets to open the season in front of no fans Sept. 13. And the question we have to ask: If a table is broken in half by a drunken maniac and no one is there to hear it, did it make a sound?
10. Arizona Cardinals (1-0, No. 20)
Am I getting a little ahead of myself by moving the Cardinals up 10 spots after one good win? Probably, but if you’ve got a problem rank your own teams on your own internet, Tyler.
11. Houston Texans (0-1, No. 8)
Hmmm. I’m starting to think that it’s at least within the realm of possibility that maybe you shouldn’t get rid of your best players and draft picks every year in favor of minimal returns. Perhaps.
12. Minnesota Vikings (0-1, No. 9)
Yes, their defense was wrecked by the Packers but Minnesotans can comfort themselves by sitting down for some Fireball. I’m sorry. Apparently I wasn’t supposed to capitalize this particular fireball.
13. New England Patriots (1-0, No. 19)
Cam Newton ran for a pair of touchdowns and gave us a sneak peak at his “The Bride” (Kill Bill) cosplay in the process.
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1, No. 10)
It is truly stunning that a 43-year-old quarterback coming off the season in which he looked the most human in his career didn’t suddenly look like Tom Brady in his first game with a new team. Just absolutely shocking.
15. Los Angeles Rams (1-0, No. 15)
I enjoyed absolutely nothing about the “Sunday Night Football” game. It was no more than “watchable.” You know what’s better? This Paul Rudd “PSA.” Let’s watch that instead.
16. Atlanta Falcons (0-1, No. 13)
I have little to say about the Falcons. I have LOTS to say about Georges St. Pierre being back for “The Falcon and The Winter Soldier.”
17. Denver Broncos (0-1, No. 16)
More like Vic “Fangi-oh no baby, what is you doing,” emmirite?
18. Dallas Cowboys (0-1, No. 17)
Apparently Cowboys-Rams was a bit of a ratings disappointment for NBC. Or in other words “STOP JUST FCKING PUTTING THE COWBOYS ON EVERY TIME YOU HAVE THE NATIONAL TV GAME YOU NINCOMPOOPS THE LAST TIME WE CARED ABOUT THEM WE WERE DOING THE FCKING MACARENA.”
19. Las Vegas Raiders (1-0, No. 22)
Josh Jacobs is OK.
20. Philadelphia Eagles (0-1, No. 14)
Sure, that’s one of the more embarrassing losses in recent NFL history but at least the Philadelphia fan base is one of the most reasonable, understanding groups in the entire league and definitely wouldn’t be the type to wildly overreact.
21. Los Angeles Chargers (1-0, No. 27)
And now the Chargers get to make their home debut in front of basically their entire fan base against the Chiefs next week.
22. Chicago Bears (1-0, No. 26)
Mitchell Trubisky’s comeback was the most surprising Bears content of the week, and it was particularly remarkable when you consider that it came during the same week that this dude woke up to a bear ticking his foot.
23. Indianapolis Colts (0-1, No. 18)
Sure they lost to the team that’s trying to lose and Marlon Mack is out for the year but at least there’s not UFOs flying around in Indiana too or anything.
24. Carolina Panthers (0-1, No. 23)
A lot of people think it’s questionable that when the Panthers needed a yard with the game on the line they didn’t give it to their all-universe running back somehow but when you about it, it’s actually totally f*cking insane.
25. Miami Dolphins (0-1, No. 24)
Is there a weirder football story than the Dolphins losing and then their players trying to rip Cam Newton’s chain off his neck? What in the actual eff is that? Were highly paid professional athletes trying to commit petty theft? There’s cameras friggin’ everywhere. Or is it some cultural thing I don’t understand? I’m so old and white that when I walk into the supermarket they immediately say, “Sir, the completely unseasoned chicken is in aisle seven.”
26. Washington Football Team (1-0, No. 31)
You want to act like it’s embarrassing for them to treat a single win like it’s the Super Bowl but geez, given who we’re talking about they really might wanna think about a parade.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-0, No. 32)
28. Cleveland Browns (0-1, No. 21)
29. Cincinnati Bengals (0-1, No. 28)
30. New York Giants (0-1, No. 29)
31. Detroit Lions (0-1, No. 25)
That thing I just said about the Browns a couple teams ago? Same here.
32. New York Jets (0-1, No. 30)
Meanwhile no charges for the money the rest of the Jets have stolen during the last decade or so.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox