Here are my power rankings for Week 7 of the NFL season.
1. Arizona Cardinals (6-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
The Cardinals did that without their head coach, best defensive player, no Zach Ertz yet and while seeking a religious exemption to the “try to defend a Hail Mary at the end of the first half” mandate.
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-1, No. 2)
When “dude I swear, I’m a large! What’s the deal with these T-shirts? I mean, I might have gained a couple pounds over the holidays but, come on, where did you get these? Are you for real? I’m embarrassed for you. You’re gonna have a lot of people pissed off when they get their shirts and they’re undersized. You should probably let people know. I guess gimme an XL, ha! It’s going to be the first XL I’ve ever worn! Could you imagine, me, an XL? That’s crazy.”
3. Baltimore Ravens (5-1, No. 7)
4. Los Angeles Rams (5-1, No. 5)
5. Green Bay Packers (5-1, No. 6)
DEFINITELY NOT ME when I was practicing soccer with my 6-year-old and that little sh*t had the audacity to try to call me for a foul because he tripped over my leg and knocked a tooth out on the way to the ground. DEFINITELY not that.
6. Dallas Cowboys (5-1, No. 8)
You: “Man. I think CeeDee Lamb had to have the best performance of the week.”
Me: “That’s only because you’re the idiot that missed the Balloon World Cup.”
7. Tennessee Titans (4-2, No. 10)
The good news? A huge win thanks to a dramatic stop.
The bad news? Some poor fan in Tennessee just wanted a celebratory hot dog and forgot he was out of mustard.
8. Buffalo Bills (4-2, No. 3)
When bae told you her parents weren’t home and you were so excited that you backed your dad’s car into the garage.
9. Los Angeles Chargers (4-2, No. 4)
Is it weird that the Chargers got so totally demolished by the Ravens this week? Yeah. It’s weird. Not “an alligator caught in Kansas” weird, but weird.
10. Kansas City Chiefs (3-3, No. 12)
It’s cute how you guys are still pretending like the vaccine DOESN’T turn you into a magnet.
And really surprised by that Jackson Mahomes fella. He otherwise seemed like such a peach.
11. Cincinnati Bengals (4-2, No. 13)
The good news for the Cincinnati Bengals is that there are no questionable pasta pop-ups to visit in Baltimore next week. That I know of.
12. New Orleans Saints (3-2, No. 11)
I’m bringing back bye week fun facts about mascots/team names this year. It’s gonna be really awkward for Washington.
Speaking of awkward, I guess this particular “fun” fact about Saint Lawrence the Deacon isn’t actually all that “fun,” but it might be the single most remarkable example of a sense of humor in human history!
St. Lawrence the Deacon told his executioners, “You can turn me over. I’m done on this side,” as they roasted him alive on a huge hot gridiron.
13. Minnesota Vikings (3-3, No. 14)
Kirk Cousins is better in October than Reggie Jackson.
14. Las Vegas Raiders (4-2, No. 18)
Congratulations to Rich Bisaccia for his first career win as a head coach and congratulations to me for only needing to look it up five times to feel confident that I spelled “Bisaccia” correctly.
15. Cleveland Browns (3-3, No. 9)
16. Chicago Bears (3-3, No. 15)
But you have to appreciate the hospitality of the Chicagoans. Chicagoites? Chicagogos? Choco Tacos?
17. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-3, No. 22)
During the “Sunday Night Football” broadcast, Mike Tirico said that Ben Roethlisberger described tight end Pat Freiermuth as “not that fast or athletic.”
18. Seattle Seahawks (2-4, No. 16)
But no worries! Cam Newton is on the radar and could be there just in time to not be able to do anything about it.
19. San Francisco 49ers (2-3, No. 19)
Bye week fun fact? Did you know that sourdough bread is so synonymous with San Francisco that it is literally in the name of the team’s mascot?
French bakers brought sourdough techniques to Northern California during the California Gold Rush, and it remains a part of the culture of San Francisco today. The nickname remains in “Sourdough Sam,” the mascot of the San Francisco 49ers.
20. New England Patriots (2-4, No. 17)
It’s easy to see why the Patriots weren’t going to settle for ANYTHING less than a fourth-rounder for N’Keal Harry.
21. Indianapolis Colts (2-4, No. 26)
The good news is that T.Y. Hilton looked very good! The better news is that yeah, they’re 2-4, but they have four games left against the Jaguars, Texans and Jets.
22. Philadelphia Eagles (2-4, No. 20)
Does anyone know what happened the last time the Eagles finally had to turn things over from a high draft pick to a veteran more at the journeyman stage of his career?
23. Carolina Panthers (3-3, No. 21)
But I do have good news for the fine folks in Carolina. Yep. They’re selling Atomic Tots at the North Carolina state fair. You’ve got that going for you!
24. Denver Broncos (3-3, No. 23)
“Let’s take a look at the 3-0 Denver Broncos …”
25. Atlanta Falcons (2-3, No. 25)
A bye week fun fact about Falcons? I think they might have life figured out.
Falcons devote themselves to one partner for their reproductive years. However, this doesn’t mean they act like a married couple, cooking dinner and playing Bingo together. Falcons only come together to mate, and otherwise spend their lives as solitary hunters.
26. Washington Football Team (2-4, No. 24)
It’s that thing where you got embarrassed at home by a team that didn’t even play well and it was, beyond any shadow of a doubt, the best thing that happened all week.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-5, No. 32)
You just knew that the Jaguars were gonna get things straightened out. You can’t keep a great coach and good man like Urban Meyer down. (What’s that now about worse video and lurid texts?) Look, he was always going to bring them back together. Because he’s a man of character. A man of faith. And there’s a deep drive into left field by Castellanos.
28. Miami Dolphins (1-5, No. 27)
The good news for the Dolphins is that folks in Florida were probably too busy drunk driving their lawn mower on the highway in order to get to 7-Eleven or something to notice and yes, you know damn well the “or something” was unnecessary.
29. New York Giants (1-5, No. 28)
Apparently at halftime yesterday, Joe Judge offered some sort of “challenge” to his team (they were trailing 28-3 at the time). If the challenge was to have a conversation with other humans in October 2021, I, man who has not seen “Squid Game” yet, would have failed miserably.
30. New York Jets (1-4, No. 29)
A fun fact about jets? Saudi Prince Al Waleed bin Talal bin Abdulaziz Alsaud once ordered one (it was reportedly never delivered) that is nicer than any house you’ll ever live in!
The plan for the aircraft featured three decks (with part of the cargo deck used) connected by a lift. There would be a car garage, Turkish bath, concert hall with stage and grand piano and several conference rooms. Accommodation would include 20 VIP suites on the main deck and five large cabins with king-sized beds and bathrooms on the upper deck. No doubt an amazing way to travel and entertain.
31. Houston Texans (1-5, No. 30)
We could talk about the Texans but we should DEFINITELY talk about Bowen Yang instead, who is the best thing to happen to SNL in … decades?
32. Detroit Lions (0-6, No. 31)
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox