Here are my power rankings for Week 14 of the NFL season.
1. Arizona Cardinals (10-2, No. 1 ranking last week)
The L stands for “look everyone, a penis!”
2. New England Patriots (9-4, No. 2)
When you’re Bill Belichick a few weeks ago.
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-3, No. 4)
I’m jealous of all of the fans in Tampa because their team is very good and also because they probably didn’t have their recycling bins blow three streets over last night.
4. Kansas City Chiefs (8-4, No. 5)
When you’re sitting down to watch the SEC championship game and your wife says you have to go to your kids’ friends’ house because their parents are hosting a holiday open house BUT she made her buffalo dip …
5. Green Bay Packers (9-3, No. 6)
Bye week fun fact — did you know they weren’t always called the Packers? It’s true. For a very brief point at the beginning of their existence, they were known as something else (but very similar).
All that said, the NFL franchise was originally granted in the name of the “Acme Packers” and that was the name on at least some of the jerseys in the Packers’ first league season.
6. Los Angeles Rams (8-4, No. 9)
How were the Rams able to bounce back? It looks like their practices got MUCH more intense.
I thought we got rid of Oklahoma drills in football?
7. Baltimore Ravens (8-4, No. 3)
On a scale of 1 to “my 6-year-old hearing there is a national chicken tender shortage,” I’d say my level of concern for the Ravens is about a 386,243.5.
8. Indianapolis Colts (7-6, No. 10)
Jonathan Taylor ran for 143 yards and two touchdowns this week. I can only imagine how depressed his family must be. What a disappointing week.
9. Dallas Cowboys (8-4, No. 11)
When someone says “Ezekiel Elliott is proof you should never pay a running back” and you know they’re right but you don’t want to see players continue to not get paid.
10. Los Angeles Chargers (7-5, No. 15)
Congratulations to Justin Herbert on being the fastest quarterback in NFL history to reach 700 completions, doing so in 27 games. But if continues on his pace from this week, Mac Jones will surpass him in only 350 games.
(Don’t bother trying to sort that out. The math is flawless.)
11. Buffalo Bills (7-5, No. 7)
12. Tennessee Titans (8-5, No. 12)
Bye week fun fact — the original plan for renaming the Oilers apparently wasn’t “Titans.”
“The Titans were going to be the ‘Pioneers,'” McClain, who closely covered the franchise’s transition from Houston, said. “Then it got out. I think somebody in Memphis found out about it. So, [franchise founder] Bud Adams changed everything and went to Titans.”
13. Cincinnati Bengals (7-5, No. 8)
Look, I’m not trying to downplay what Joe Burrow went through but the night Laron Profit beat Tim Duncan at the buzzer, my friends and I were so excited that we went to the Bel Air Athletic Club to play basketball and I jammed my index finger going for a rebound but later found out that it was definitely broken and I just played right through it and delivered us a massive 3-on-3 half court victory. So obviously I’m the greater athlete than Joe Burrow and while I’m not comfortable calling myself a hero I can understand why you might want to.
14. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5-1, No. 21)
Well so obviously the only appropriate way for the NFL to handle this “Steelers were actually offsides” controversy is to retroactively award two points to the Ravens and allow them to claim any Watt they want from the guilty party.
Don’t freak out yet, Steelers fans. The Ravens LOVE fullbacks.
15. Washington Football Team (6-6, No. 20)
The Football Fellers are .500 in December and the folks in D.C. are LITERALLY holding parades. Not that I blame them.
16. Miami Dolphins (6-7, No. 19)
According to ESPN’s Field Yates, Jaylen Waddle is now on pace for 112 catches this season. That would be 11 more than any rookie in NFL history. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for Breshad Perriman knowing someone is about to break his record.
17. San Francisco 49ers (6-6, No. 13)
Yes, sure, Jimmy Garoppolo lost a huge game but speaking on behalf of all very attractive people everywhere, we just don’t concern ourselves with trivial things such as this the way you guys do.
18. Cleveland Browns (6-6, No. 18)
Bye week fun fact about the name “Browns:” They actually might not have been named after Paul Brown at all:
Contrary to popular belief, the Browns were not named for their famous coach Paul Brown. Rather, they were called the Brown Bombers, after the nickname of the revered boxer of that era, Joe Louis. The name later was shortened to the Browns.
Except apparently no, no, that’s not true it’s definitely the Paul Brown thing.
Also, after Brown left the organization in the 1960s after a dispute with new owner Art Modell, the Browns (under Modell) supported the Joe Louis version of the story (which would almost certainly be why the Washington Post reported as such in 1995, since that was the official position of the Browns organization at the time). Brown, though, never really held fast to the Louis position and late in his life he would cop to the fact that the team was named after him.
19. Denver Broncos (6-6, No. 14)
The Broncos on long drives against the Chiefs:
20. Las Vegas Raiders (6-6, No. 16)
Is this real? Did the Raiders really host A SEASON’S WORTH OF FANS AT FEDEX FIELD in their stadium on Sunday?
21. Philadelphia Eagles (6-7, No. 22)
They got a win, but the Eagles are still 6-7 on the season. I guess things could be worse though and they need only look, well, across the street to realize that.
22. Minnesota Vikings (5-7, No. 17)
But all in all it wasn’t THAT bad of a weekend for Kirk Cousins.
23. Carolina Panthers (6-6, No. 23)
Here’s a bye week fun fact about Panthers — they appear to have commitment issues.
Panthers are polygamous, that is, a panther has more than one mating partner. However, mating pairs stick around with each other, hunting and sleeping together for up to a week.
24. Seattle Seahawks (4-8, No. 27)
They said they were in win-now mode.
25. New Orleans Saints (5-7, No. 24)
But if there’s good news, they shouldn’t have to look far for some O-line help.
26. Atlanta Falcons (5-7, No. 25)
The Falcons are now 0-10 all-time against Tom Brady but when it has been so one-sided and dominant, I imagine none of them are probably all that memorable.
27. New York Giants (4-8, No. 26)
We could talk about the New York Giants OR we could talk about how OH MY GOD YOU GUYS DILL PICKLE CHICKEN NUGGETS I DON’T CARE IF THEY’RE AT BURGER KING WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THEM.
28. Chicago Bears (4-8, No. 28)
Live look at the Chicago Bears:
29. New York Jets (3-9, No. 29)
The Jets have signed Eddy Piniero as their kicker moving forward. So that should probably solve it.
30. Houston Texans (2-10, No. 30)
The bad news for the folks in Houston is that the Texans are as terrible as you thought they’d be.
The good news is that they’re apparently filming “Righteous Gemstones” Season 3 there right now!
31. Detroit Lions (1-10-1, No. 32)
What we love most about Jared Goff’s girlfriend is that she seems very supportive. The type you’d really want to have on your side. Some people have also told me that she appears to be physically attractive but I don’t really notice those types of things.
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-10, No. 31)
But yes, folks in Florida are probably too busy clearing their new couches of FIVE-FOOT BOA CONSTRICTORS to notice.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox