Here are my power rankings for Week 1 of the NFL season.
1. Buffalo Bills (11-6 record, No. 5 final ranking for 2021 season)
For the initial power rankings, we’re laying out each team’s path. “They’ll win the Super Bowl if …”
For example, “if they remember to take ALL of the time off of the clock.”
2. Los Angeles Rams (12-5, No. 2)
… if they go ahead and trade for Roquan Smith and Kareem Hunt, which we all know they’re going to do.
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (13-4, No. 3)
… if Tom Brady doesn’t need all of November off to film “Dated and Related” or whatever.
4. Kansas City Chiefs (12-5, No. 4)
…if Skyy Moore makes us regret all of the “they have to take a step back with Tyreek Hill gone, don’t they?” takes.
5. Cincinnati Bengals (10-7, No. 6)
… they continue to study their “How Not To Be The Cincinnati Bengals” handbook.
6. Baltimore Ravens (8-9, No. 18)
… they don’t have to try to field an XFL team to do it.
7. Denver Broncos (7-10, No. 23)
… it really was Pete Carroll’s fault.
8. Green Bay Packers (13-4, No. 1)
… wide receivers actually DO grow on trees.
9. Los Angeles Chargers (9-8, No. 12)
… their football team is as good as their social media team.
10. San Francisco 49ers (10-7, No. 13)
…they just let Deebo Samuel play all of the positions already.
11. Indianapolis Colts (9-8, No. 11)
… they avoid getting a 25-point lead in the Super Bowl.
12. Miami Dolphins (9-8, No. 16)
… their quarterback is actually much better than the Miami Dolphins seemed to think he was.
13. Las Vegas Raiders (10-7, No. 15)
… in an unforeseen twist, it actually IS a good idea to fire the guy who might have been the best coach in the league last year.
14. Dallas Cowboys (12-5, No. 8)
… they inevitably fire Mike McCarthy in Week 4 to hire Sean Payton … then fire Sean Payton in Week 10 to hire Lincoln Riley … then fire Lincoln Riley in Week 14 to hire Bruce Arians and yeah, still no.
15. Minnesota Vikings (8-9, No. 20)
… you really mean “a super … bowl of mediocre, emmirite?”
16. Philadelphia Eagles (9-8, No. 14)
… they make a reasonable amount of progress with a very solid roster and yes, I’m aware that it doesn’t sound all that crazy.
17. Tennessee Titans (12-5, No. 7)
… Derrick Henry can touch the ball on every snap all season.
18. New England Patriots (10-7, No. 9)
… Bill Belichick is currently laughing like a psycho because he knows Bailey Zappe is Tom Brady.
19. Arizona Cardinals (11-6, No. 10)
… “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare” gets pushed back to 2023.
20. New Orleans Saints (9-8, No. 19)
… Jameis Winston can get another Lasik every week.
21. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7-1, No. 17)
… Mercury is in retrograde.
22. Carolina Panthers (5-12, No. 28)
… we’re talking about the Super Bowl NEXT YEAR and the Bengals continue to be such a poverty franchise that they trade Joe Burrow instead of signing him.
23. Cleveland Browns (8-9, No. 21)
… there truly is no God.
24. Washington Commanders (7-10, No. 26)
… “winning the Super Bowl” is the metaphor their owner uses when he’s asked what it’s like to somehow have avoided being forced to sell the team.
25. New York Giants (4-13, No. 30)
… everything we’ve seen from Daniel Jones so far has really just been an elaborate episode of “The Rehearsal.”
26. New York Jets (4-13, No. 29)
… Joe Flacco can be good enough to change his kids’ minds.
27. Atlanta Falcons (7-10, No. 22)
… we remember that literally every team Jared Bernhardt is on wins a championship.
28. Chicago Bears (6-11, No. 24)
… maybe they try to trade for Jared Bernhardt then?
29. Houston Texans (4-13, No. 27)
… all of the other teams take a powder.
30. Seattle Seahawks (7-10, No. 25)
… they change the rules so you don’t have to play a quarterback any longer.
31. Detroit Lions (3-13-1, No. 31)
… this year’s Super Bowl halftime show is a Michael Jackson karaoke contest.
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-14, No. 32)
… literally no such scenario exists.
Photo Credit: Colin Murphy/PressBox