Here are my power rankings for Week 7 of the NFL season.
1. Buffalo Bills (5-1, No. 1 ranking last week)
Sure, they have the No. 1 DVOA offense and the No. 1 DVOA defense and Josh Allen and Stefon Diggs and Von Miller, BUT the Ravens might have DeSean Jackson soon so it’s a toss-up, really.
Also, 15 hours in a car is somehow better for your ribs than flying? We really just accepting this as fact?
2. Philadelphia Eagles (6-0, No. 2)
When Billy McFarland says “Let’s just do it and be legends …”
3. Kansas City Chiefs (4-2, No. 3)
Sure, they couldn’t hang on to the lead late, but I can’t remember hearing anything from Jackson Mahomes for like nine months now so really, who actually “lost?”
4. Minnesota Vikings (5-1, No. 5)
Thanks to my producer Griffin Bass for bringing it to my attention. If you look at the list of the quarterbacks with the most 300-yard, three-touchdown, zero-interception passing days, you get a list of surefire, certain Hall of Famers. Here are the top six.
- Drew Brees (39)
- Tom Brady (37)
- Aaron Rodgers (31)
- Peyton Manning (23)
- Ben Roethlisberger (20)
- Kirk Cousins (18)
Nothing but the greatest legends in the history of the sport.
5. New York Giants (5-1, No. 8)
When mom said you and your cousin could stay up a little later to finish watching “3 Ninjas.”
6. Dallas Cowboys (4-2, No. 4)
Fine Young Cannibals fans:
7. Los Angeles Chargers (4-2, No. 12)
I know everyone thinks the Ravens stink but you guys, the Chargers are the seventh-best team in football.
8. New York Jets (4-2, No. 15)
And they have a road win against the eighth-best team in football.
9. Baltimore Ravens (3-3, No. 7)
Everyone keeps talking about Marlon Humphrey’s tweet but if I’m being honest, I think it’s reasonable.
10. New England Patriots (3-3, No. 18)
Prayers to Mac Jones for the injury setback he’s about to suffer.
11. Cincinnati Bengals (3-3, No. 14)
The whole “Joe Burrow and Ja’Marr Chase in New Orleans” thing was cool. Not “the trailer for the film “Violent Night‘” cool, but cool.
We’re not just going to a midnight screening, I’m bringing my kids.
12. San Francisco 49ers (3-3, No. 6)
You want to leave your friends’ brains completely twisted? Ask them one of the following questions.
- Can you name a third city in Nebraska?
- Are the 49ers good?
Enjoy the fireworks.
13. Tennessee Titans (3-2, No. 13)
We’ve done a lot of silly bye week bits throughout the years. We’ve done fun facts, weird foods, tourist attractions, random former players and more. When I realized the Titans and Lions were involved with the first bye week of the season, I figured the perfect theme for the season would be music. So every bye week I’ll give you one of my favorite tunes from an artist from that city.
You know every Dolly Parton tune ever made. But perhaps you don’t know “Barton Hollow” by The Civil Wars. That’s my Nashville choice.
14. Miami Dolphins (3-3, No. 9)
You do this in public, maybe you deserve to lose.
15. Los Angeles Rams (3-3, No. 16)
Me when someone asks me if I saw their tweet/email/text/WUPHF.
16. Indianapolis Colts (3-2-1, No. 17)
We’ve reached the middle of this week’s power rankings and nothing puts the “mid” in middle quite like the Indianapolis Colts.
17. Green Bay Packers (3-3, No. 10)
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-3, No. 11)
19. Atlanta Falcons (3-3, No. 25)
I can’t believe we have to be Falcons fans now.
20. Seattle Seahawks (3-3, No. 26)
Definitely not thinking about how fifth-round pick Tariq Woolen has four interceptions and fourth-round pick Coby Bryant has forced four fumbles while Kyle Hamilton still isn’t playing half of the snaps. Definitely not thinking about that at all and a little surprised that you’d bring it up, honestly.
21. New Orleans Saints (2-4, No. 19)
I feel like I could have just said every team (besides the Bills and Eagles) was 3-3 this week and nobody would have noticed or been capable of arguing. Like, the Saints aren’t even as good as 3-3 and yet they still feel 3-3 as hell.
22. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-4, No. 29)
I want to make it abundantly clear that I am not concerned that a team quarterbacked by Mitch Trubisky might be “back.”
23. Las Vegas Raiders (1-4, No. 23)
I wish we treated “All These Things That I’ve Done” like we do “Mr. Brightside,” the slightly inferior of the great songs of Las Vegas’ The Killers.
24. Denver Broncos (2-4, No. 20)
You keep making them, I’ll keep sharing them.
25. Cleveland Browns (2-4, No. 21)
When you don’t want to sit too close to the fire because your face is sweating so you moved back a half foot and now you’re freaking freezing.
26. Arizona Cardinals (2-4, No. 22)
Sure, DeAndre Hopkins is back but …
27. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-4, No. 24)
Yeah but it was a historic loss…
28. Houston Texans (1-3-1, No. 28)
I assure you that I know Beyonce is Houston’s greatest export, but this is my internet chunk and I’m choosing to celebrate the fan that gave 22-year-old Glenn Clark his greatest joy.
29. Washington Commanders (2-4, No. 32)
May he RIP.
30. Chicago Bears (2-4, No. 27)
I have as much interest in discussing the Bears as I do consuming a $28 Taco Bell lunch.
31. Detroit Lions (1-4, No. 31)
Their football is terrible but Detroit couldn’t have given us more musically. The White Stripes, Eminem, Bob Seger and the most important sound in the history of music. Thank you Berry Gordy. Thank you Smokey Robinson. And thank you Jackie Wilson.
32. Carolina Panthers (1-5, No. 30)
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox