Here are my power rankings for Week 5 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (4-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
2. Minnesota Vikings (4-0, No. 3)
Me as the Vikings pop bottles celebrating a 20-0 season and Super Bowl title: “I’m just still not fully sure I completely believe in them.”
3. Detroit Lions (3-1, No. 4)
Congratulations to Jared Goff on going 18-for-18, a truly remarkable accomplishment let’s be honest, anomaly.
4. Houston Texans (3-1, No. 6)
Me when I take my first bite of a Sugar Crisp apple from Gaver Farm.
5. Baltimore Ravens (2-2, No. 14)
6. Buffalo Bills (3-1, No. 2)
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1, No. 11)
This was absolutely shocking.
I mean, how out of touch is this guy? Going to Disneyland with the kids is fun? Maybe if you have Tom Brady money …
8. Washington Commanders (3-1, No. 16)
They’ve punted ONE TIME in their last three games, or one time for every time in your life that you’ve thought “wow, the Commanders might be on to something.”
9. San Francisco 49ers (2-2, No. 17)
Turns out having Deebo Samuel and George Kittle helps. More at 11.
10. Seattle Seahawks (3-1, No. 7)
So Mike Macdonald is only going 50-1 then in the next three seasons, Ravens fans?
11. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1, No. 5)
What a shame.
12. Dallas Cowboys (2-2, No. 18)
Cowboys fans are very fired up about their win against the Giants last Thursday Derrick Henry putting together a potential MVP season after they chose not to pursue him.
13. Atlanta Falcons (2-2, No. 20)
Sometimes stealing a come-from-behind win against a rival can really feel like a palace Koo.
14. Green Bay Packers (2-2, No. 13)
Obviously, I would never point out that the Packers are 2-0 with Malik Willis and 0-2 with Jordan Love. That would be misleading and there’s just no reason to share it. You should thank me for not doing that.
15. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2, No. 8)
“Pick up Jahan Dotson,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Someone HAS to catch the ball,” they said.
16. New Orleans Saints (2-2, No. 9)
This was a funny tweet that I definitely understood immediately and totally didn’t have to look it up and Google image reverse search it like an 80-year-old man or anything.
17. Los Angeles Chargers (2-2, No. 12)
When you realize you’ve stress ate an entire jar of pecan pumpkin butter and you’re only in the third inning of the first game of the wild-card series.
18. Denver Broncos (2-2, No. 22)
The defense is good!
The offense still looked like this after 10 passing attempts yesterday.
19. New York Jets (2-2, No. 10)
I had a moment where I thought to myself, “Man, it’s crazy to try to fire Robert Saleh after a tough loss.” Then I started to add the words “particularly with everything he’s accompli …” before cutting myself off. How the hell is he still the coach IN NEW YORK?
20. Indianapolis Colts (2-2, No. 24)
“And with six-time All-Pro Arch Manning down, the 2037 Seahawks turned to 53-year-old Joe Flacco to lead them to a 24-17 win against the London Monarchs.”
21. Cincinnati Bengals (1-3, No. 27)
Definitely not worried they might be starting to figure things out. Definitely not worried.
22. Chicago Bears (2-2, No. 27)
The Bears have now won two games in Chicago this season. As unbelievable as that sounds, I’m pretty sure that’s twice as many as the White Sox.
(Note: that’s probably not accurate. I would check, but no one should have to look at such filth.)
23. Las Vegas Raiders (2-2, No. 28)
2024 AFC North champs.
24. Los Angeles Rams (1-3, No. 15)
Turns out Demarcus Robinson and Tutu Atwell can NOT save your season, who knew?
25. Arizona Cardinals (1-3, No. 19)
It is Oct. 1 and the Arizona Cardinals are irrelevant and in troubling times, it is nice to find comfort.
26. Carolina Panthers (1-3, No. 21)
So like, they were competitive and they’re the Panthers, so that’s basically a second win, right?
27. Tennessee Titans (1-3, No. 32)
The sad part is that Mason Rudolph is out here winning games. The sadder part is that I’m not sure Will Levis would have.
28. Miami Dolphins (1-3, No. 23)
The good news for the Dolphins is that everyone in Florida was too busy kayaking through their living rooms … or something … to notice.
29. New York Giants (1-3, No. 25)
30. Cleveland Browns (1-3, No. 29)
31. New England Patriots (1-3, No. 30)
Remember that time they won that game?
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-4, No. 31)
When they tell me I’m supposed to write something about the Jaguars.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox