Here are my NFL power rankings for Week 5 of the NFL season.
1. Buffalo Bills (3-1, No. 2 ranking last week)
Literally me every time I’ve walked into the Maryland weather this week.
2. Philadelphia Eagles (4-0, No. 4)
Congratulations to the fans of Philadelphia on their 4-0 start. I’m sure they won’t become even remotely insufferable as a result.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (3-1, No. 5)
I know we’re all freaking out about this being “the most ridiculous thing we’ve ever seen” or whatever but also, an RPO with an athletic quarterback in a goal-to-go situation from the 2-yard-line instead of a straight dropback? How novel.
4. Miami Dolphins (3-1, No. 1)
I don’t like making jokes about this but yet …
5. Green Bay Packers (3-1, No. 7)
Me literally every time the Ravens come out of the huddle with 5 seconds on the play clock.
(I know you think I’m using “literally” incorrectly but I assure you that I am not.)
6. Minnesota Vikings (3-1, No. 9)
My apologies, that should say “4-1.”
7. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2, No. 10)
Good news: The Bengals’ offensive line is more questionable than Herschel Walker’s Senate campaign.
Bad news: So is the Ravens’ edge rush.
8. Dallas Cowboys (3-1, No. 13)
You know how bad things are for the Washington Commanders? There was a Dallas Cowboys football match this week that was only on regional television.
9. San Francisco 49ers (2-2, No. 18)
This gets to count as a passing touchdown for Jimmy Garoppolo.
10. Los Angeles Rams (2-2, No. 3)
The streaker is the Los Angeles Rams. The Los Angeles Rams are the San Francisco 49ers (in regular-season games).
11. Baltimore Ravens (2-2, No. 6)
Oh the accuracy.
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-2, No. 8)
You guys can make fun of Tom Brady all you want but at the end of the day, he gets to go home to his supermod …
… it’s probably still a very nice home.
13. Los Angeles Chargers (2-2, No. 14)
Me personally, I probably wouldn’t have waited until Week 4 to remember I had Austin Ekeler, but I’m not a highly compensated football coach man for a reason.
14. New York Giants (3-1, No. 15)
The dude in their backfield reminds me an awful lot of their former running back Saquon Barkley.
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2, No. 11)
Russell Wilson was my only quarterback in a fantasy league where I was 0-3 last week, so I desperately traded DeAndre Hopkins for Trevor Lawrence.
If I had just played Wilson again, I wouldn’t be 0-4 and I would still have DeAndre Hopkins.
I would say that this might make you think that I’m stupid, but I’m reasonably certain that threshold was previously cleared.
16. Tennessee Titans (2-2, No. 20)
Take the Chargers thing but substitute Derrick Henry for Austin Ekeler and let’s keep moving.
17. Las Vegas Raiders (1-3, No. 26)
When you told your boys you were THIS CLOSE to going home with her.
18. Denver Broncos (2-2, No. 12)
But if there’s anyone I trust to get things turned out even after losing Javonte Williams too, it’s definitely two-time football-game winner Nathaniel Hackett.
19. Cleveland Browns (2-2, No. 16)
Dude. LOTS of teams lose games to quarterbacks who finish 7-for-19 passing.
20. Arizona Cardinals (2-2, No. 25)
I need you to watch this video. It’s the most incredible performance art I’ve ever seen in my life. J.J. Watt is pouring his soul out about nearly dying and becoming a father and some dude wants him to talk about a f*cking tipped pass. I know we live in 2022 and there are literally no institutions left and we’ve burned everything down but still, holy hell.
Also … risking your life for … the Arizona Cardinals tho?
21. New York Jets (2-2, No. 27)
22. Indianapolis Colts (1-2-1, No. 17)
The next “Thursday Night Football” game is Colts vs. Broncos and it isn’t on television and eleventy billion people are going to watch it. We are such an unserious country.
23. New Orleans Saints (1-3, No. 19)
The good news for Wil Lutz is that if he was playing the legendary “three bar” contest that Gordon Bombay and Wolf Stansson played in “D2: The Mighty Ducks,” he’d be 67 percent of the way there!
24. Atlanta Falcons (2-2, No. 29)
I am to understand the Falcons won their football match.
I am not to understand how the Falcons won their football match.
25. Seattle Seahawks (2-2, No. 30)
Me after I recently tried vegan beef jerky.
26. Chicago Bears (2-2, No. 23)
But it’s not all bad news for the Bears. For example, there’s now a Nutty Buddy cereal! I can think of significantly less pleasant ways to go about eating your feelings!
27. New England Patriots (1-3, No. 21)
There’s at least a 27 percent chance Bailey Zappe is about to inexplicably take the Patriots to the Super Bowl though, right?
28. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-3, No. 22)
Pity.
29. Carolina Panthers (1-3, No. 24)
30. Detroit Lions (1-3, No. 28)
I absolutely should not laugh at this.
31. Washington Commanders (1-3, No. 31)
Big week though because we’ve somehow, some way found something even more pathetic than the existence of the Washington Commanders.
32. Houston Texans (0-3-1, No. 32)
When I think about the Houston Texans.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox