Here are my power rankings for Week 4 of the NFL season.
1. Miami Dolphins (3-0 record, No. 5 ranking last week)
My brothers and sisters in Christ, this is the BEST team in football currently and I believe that might be a lesson of sorts about parity.
2. Buffalo Bills (2-1, No. 1)
When you’ve spent five minutes trying to come up with the most clever Ken Dorsey retweet and it just still isn’t coming to you.
3. Los Angeles Rams (2-1, No. 4)
Aaron Donald reached 100 career sacks on Sunday, which is truly amazing when you think about how you could have sworn it was probably more like 500.
4. Philadelphia Eagles (3-0, No. 6)
Definitely haven’t thought about this at all since Michael Pierce got hurt, why would you ask?
5. Kansas City Chiefs (2-1, No. 3)
I think they’re going to be fine. But I also thought competitive chess didn’t involve anal bead cheating scandals, so what exactly do I know?
6. Baltimore Ravens (2-1, No. 9)
Me when my mom asked me if my friend Chris and I had eaten the entire bucket of fried chicken she brought home for the family.
7. Green Bay Packers (2-1, No. 8)
It’s nice that when Tom Brady was going through some issues, he was able to spend a little time with a wise, reasonable, well-podcast-educated confidant like Aaron Rodgers.
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1, No. 2)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE.
I don’t think I made myself clear.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE.
I’m going full on Brian Billick at The Vet in 2001 if I show up and see this.
9. Minnesota Vikings (2-1, No. 12)
Well …
10. Cincinnati Bengals (1-2, No. 14)
My 5-year-old every time I walk in the door …
11. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1, No. 25)
It’s like we all said. With the Bills and the Chiefs and the Ravens and the Jaguars, the AFC was absolutely freaking loaded this year.
12. Denver Broncos (2-1, No. 15)
13. Dallas Cowboys (2-1, No. 17)
14. Los Angeles Chargers (1-2, No. 7)
Yeah, but they still have Justin Herbert. Sorta.
15. New York Giants (2-1, No. 11)
But it’s not like “Monday Night Football” was all bad.
16. Cleveland Browns (2-1, No. 21)
We’ll pass on any silliness with well wishes that Myles Garrett wasn’t more seriously hurt.
17. Indianapolis Colts (1-1-1, No. 29)
And speaking of silliness, imagine betting American dollars on a league in which the Chiefs can fail on a fake field goal and miss a field goal and miss an extra point and get a personal foul to extend a drive and I’m pretty sure there might have been locusts and boils. Betting on football is so stupid.
Don’t forget to tune into “Simply The Bets” every Tuesday morning at 11:40 a.m.
18. San Francisco 49ers (1-2, No. 10)
19. New Orleans Saints (1-2, No. 13)
Yes but Jameis Winston only threw two interceptions this week so I’d say things are seriously looking up.
20. Tennessee Titans (1-2, No. 22)
I guess they’re OK? The schedule is fairly easy for the next month, so they’ll probably be all right? I’m about as warm on them as I am on the term “meet cute.”
21. New England Patriots (1-2, No. 16)
Watches soccer once.
22. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2, No. 18)
I had no idea the Steelers recently moved to FedEx Field.
23. Chicago Bears (2-1, No. 27)
No, you read that right. That was the Bears’ second win. You can probably win a few bucks at the bar this week by getting your friends to bet about how many they have.
24. Carolina Panthers (1-2, No. 30)
25. Arizona Cardinals (1-2, No. 19)
OK, so obviously no one cares about the Arizona Cardinals so let’s talk about the biggest news of the week. BUFFALO FREAKING BLEU IS BACK. https://hypebeast.com/2022/9/kettle-brand-release-buffalo-bleu-flavor-for-tailgate-season The internet is, of course, only capable of regurgitating press releases anymore, so the coverage of this monumental moment in history is a pathetic statement about the downfall of society. Nothing more important will happen this century.
26. Las Vegas Raiders (0-3, No. 20)
What if I told you that it gets worse?
27. New York Jets (1-2, No. 23)
When the bosses tell me that I have to type words about the New York Jets on the interwebs.
28. Detroit Lions (1-2, No. 24)
But they do have more touchdowns as a team than Lamar Jackson does as a person, which is something that can be said by … literally zero other teams.
29. Atlanta Falcons (1-2, No. 32)
30. Seattle Seahawks (1-2, No. 26)
And yet, I’m still not completely certain that they made the wrong decision.
31. Washington Commanders (1-2, No. 28)
When it’s going well.
32. Houston Texans (0-2-1, No. 31)
But if there’s good news for the Texans, it’s that SNL is back this week and this guy is still worth the watch.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox