Here are my power rankings for Week 8 of the NFL season.
1. Buffalo Bills (5-1, No. 1 ranking last week)
We’re recognizing cities’ best musical contributions on bye weeks this year. Someone might say it’s depressing that the best music Buffalo has ever given us is Brian McKnight or the Goo Goo Dolls, but as a grown man who was once a very horny lovestruck teenager, I can only say “thank you.”
2. Philadelphia Eagles (6-0, No. 2)
If I’m being honest, there’s nothing more Philly to me than Daryl Hall and Chiddy Bang doing “Opposite of Adults.” But the choice kinda HAS to be this.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (5-2, No. 3)
Mecole may be the most impressive Hardman since Tommy Lee made that movie.
(Shoot! I forgot to say that if you have kids in the car you should turn your radio down. My apologies.)
4. Minnesota Vikings (5-1, No. 4)
The best Prince song is 7. I will not be taking questions.
5. New York Giants (6-1, No. 5)
I mean, we kinda always knew there was a chance that the two New York teams could play each other for the championship this year. We just hoped it would be with Buck Showalter having a chance to claim his first title.
6. Dallas Cowboys (5-2, No. 6)
When your buddy said that girl who works at the Beanie Baby cart at the mall is coming to the party.
7. New York Jets (5-2, No. 8)
James Robinson really makes a lot of sense at a price that is next to nothing and WHAT IN THE HELL WORLD ARE WE LIVING IN WHERE THE JETS ARE THE SMARTEST TEAM IN THE ROOM?
8. Baltimore Ravens (4-3, No. 9)
9. Cincinnati Bengals (4-3, No. 11)
When your wife mentions that her old high school friend stopped by to say hello and she asks why you haven’t come downstairs to say hello yet.
10. Tennessee Titans (4-2, No. 13)
When you ask your boys, “How did I get home last night?”
11. Miami Dolphins (4-3, No. 14)
12. Seattle Seahawks (4-3, No. 20)
I keep seeing this being described as a “comeback” season for Geno Smith but, like, he’s never been good before. This isn’t a comeback. This is like Carrot Top winning the Academy Award for Best Actor.
13. Los Angeles Chargers (4-3, No. 7)
14. San Francisco 49ers (3-4, No. 12)
This guy’s on a heater this week.
15. Los Angeles Rams (3-3, No. 15)
I mean, this one isn’t tough.
16. Arizona Cardinals (3-4, No. 26)
It’s so weird that the Cardinals looked drastically better when they had an exceptional wide receiver on the field. SO WEIRD.
17. New England Patriots (3-4, No. 10)
18. Indianapolis Colts (3-3-1, No. 16)
Everybody’s talking about how Mac Jones is going to be the next Colts quarterback like they won’t be able to have BOTH Baker Mayfield and Sam Darnold.
19. Las Vegas Raiders (2-4, No. 23)
You know what? Make that 2-5.
20. Chicago Bears (3-4, No. 30)
So we get to count that one for Halas, right? Belichick falls one behind again?
21. Washington Commanders (3-4, No. 29)
Win still counts though.
22. Green Bay Packers (3-4, No. 17)
When … well … you just lost to the team that can’t even make cupcakes.
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-4, No. 18)
More or less.
24. Atlanta Falcons (3-4, No. 19)
Somebody bet the Falcons to improve to 7-0 against the spread …
25. New Orleans Saints (2-5, No. 21)
26. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-5, No. 22)
27. Cleveland Browns (2-5, No. 25)
Browns fans renewing their season tickets.
28. Carolina Panthers (2-5, No. 32)
Broken clocks and whatnot.
29. Denver Broncos (2-5, No. 24)
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-5, No. 27)
31. Houston Texans (1-4-1, No. 28)
You guys aren’t going to make me pretend I know something about the Texans, right? We’re better than that, aren’t we?
32. Detroit Lions (1-5, No. 31)
Oh but I have lots to say about the Lions, like …
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox