Here are my power rankings for Week 16 of the NFL season.
1. San Francisco 49ers (11-3 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
Let’s try another theme this week. We’re into college football bowl season. Silly bowl name generators have been fun throughout the years. Some of these teams do host bowl games! But what might the name of a bowl game be if all of these teams were to host in their current form? For example in San Fran:
The Rice-A-Roni “Everyone Is MVP” Bowl, Presented By “I’d Pick McCaffrey Over Purdy, Myself”
2. Baltimore Ravens (11-3, No. 3)
The Royal Farms “Our Economy Is Based On Lamar” Bowl, Presented By “Why Can’t We Have Other Nice Things, Though?”
3. Buffalo Bills (8-6, No. 4)
The Wegmans “Holy Crap They’re The Bills Again” Bowl, Presented By “There’s Definitely Not An NFL Playoff Committee That Can Elevate Them Into The Postseason If They Don’t Otherwise Make It, Right?”
4. Miami Dolphins (10-4, No. 6)
The Meadowlark Media “Bottom Feeder” Bowl, Presented By “But Maybe This Week’s Opponent Isn’t As Good As We Thought They Were?”
5. Dallas Cowboys (10-4, No. 2)
The AT&T “It’s Probably Not As Bad As It Appeared To Be But It’s Super Fun To Make Fun Of Them Anyway” Bowl, Presented By “Wait, Do We Have To Root For Them This Week?”
6. Detroit Lions (10-4, No. 8)
The Ford “That’s More Like It” Bowl, Presented By “Sam LaPorta Just Did Something We Haven’t Seen Since John Mackey”
7. Kansas City Chiefs (9-5, No. 9)
The Jack Stack BBQ “Kadarius Toney Still Stinks” Bowl, Presented By “But Rashee Rice Might Be The Real Deal And Yeah, They’re Still The Chiefs”
8. Cleveland Browns (9-5, No. 11)
The Higbee’s “Joseph Vincent Flacco” Bowl, Presented By “We’re All Rooting For Him Even If We Know We Shouldn’t Be”
9. Philadelphia Eagles (10-4, No. 7)
The John’s Roast Pork “What The Hell Is Happening Here?” Bowl, Presented By “They’re Good, Right?”
10. Cincinnati Bengals (8-6, No. 12)
The Skyline Chili “HOLY F*CK HOW DID HE JUST DO THAT” Bowl, Presented By “Tee Higgins, Ladies And Gentlemen”
11. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-6, No. 10)
The All Elite Wrestling “But Probably Not Elite Football” Bowl, Presented By “You Can’t Be Taken Seriously After That First Half'”
12. Houston Texans (8-6, No. 13)
The Enron “Seriously, How Did Y’all Lose To The Jets” Bowl, Presented By “I Guess They’re Still A Real Threat In The AFC … Maybe?”
13. Indianapolis Colts (8-6, No. 14)
The St. Elmo’s Steakhouse “How In The Ever Loving Eff Do They Have Eight Wins?” Bowl, Presented By “This Is The Ravens’ Fault, Isn’t It?”
14. Denver Broncos (7-7, No. 5)
The Coors Light “Perhaps We Got A Little Ahead Of Ourselves” Bowl, Presented By “The Good News Is They Get The Patriots Next Week”
15. Los Angeles Rams (7-7, No. 16)
The Sony Pictures “Maybe They Knew They Wouldn’t Need First-Round Picks Because All Of Their Fifth-Rounders Were Going To Be Superstars” Bowl, Presented By “I’ve Got A Funny Feeling They’re Gonna Win A Playoff Game”
16. Seattle Seahawks (7-7, No. 21)
The Starbucks “There’s Absolutely No Way a Team Should Legally Be Allowed To Win A Game In Which Their Head Coach Wastes A Timeout That Gifts Their Opponent The Opportunity To Challenge A Play And Take Points Off The Board And Yet Here We Are” Bowl, Presented By “How Does Pete Carroll Keep Getting Away With This?”
17. New Orleans Saints (7-7, No. 18)
The Bourbon Street Huge Ass Beers “Maybe The NFC South Winner Won’t Have A Losing Record After All” Bowl, Presented By “This Doesn’t Mean We Have To Watch Them Though, Right?”
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-7, No. 20)
The Hulk Hogan’s Beach Shop “Is Baker Mayfield Actually Good?” Bowl, Presented By “He’s Not, Right? Like He’s Good Enough To Be Good Enough But Not Good Enough To Be Good, Right?”
19. Green Bay Packers (6-8, No. 15)
The Miller High Life “Perhaps Christian Watson Is The Real MVP” Bowl, Presented By “I Hope You Didn’t Take My Advice In This Print Issue To Bet A Couple Bucks On Their Super Bowl Future”
20. Minnesota Vikings (7-7, No. 17)
The Target “If Only They Had Kirk Cousins They’d Probably Have 10 Wins” Bowl, Presented By “It Was Super Neat To See Justin Jefferson Have A Nice Game One Week After I Was Knocked Out Of The Playoffs When He Had Two Catches And Then Had To Leave After I Had Been Waiting On Him For Weeks And I Know It Isn’t His Fault But Dammit Please Just Let Me Vent They’re My Power Rankings After All'”
21. Las Vegas Raiders (6-8, No. 28)
The Binion’s Gambling Hall “Did They Really Score 63 Points One Week After They Didn’t Score Any?” Bowl, Presented By “What Even Are The Raiders?”
22. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-7, No. 20)
The Iron City Beer “Boy You Just Hate To See It” Bowl, Presented By “Go Ahead, Fire Mike Tomlin. This Is Definitely All His Fault”
23. Atlanta Falcons (6-8, No. 22)
The So So Def Records “You Should Probably Be Relegated” Bowl, Presented By “Bijan Robinson Had EIGHT TOUCHES?”
24. New York Giants (5-9, No. 23)
The DiMeo Crime Family “BOY Did We Get Ahead Of Ourselves” Bowl, Presented By “One Day Someone’s Gonna Say ‘Do You Remember When We Made Tommy DeVito’s Agent A National Celebrity’ And Your Response Is Going To Be ‘Who’s Tommy DeVito?'”
25. Chicago Bears (5-9, No. 24)
The Lou Malnati’s “Actually It Was A Pretty Good Weekend” Bowl, Presented By “You Know, They Almost Won A Game”
26. Tennessee Titans (5-9, No. 25)
The Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk Rock N’ Roll Steakhouse “You Deserved That For Rubbing The Oilers In Houston Fans’ Faces” Bowl, Presented By “And Honestly, You Deserve Kid Rock For That Charade Too”
27. Los Angeles Chargers (5-9, No. 26)
The In-N-Out Burger “Our Expectations For You Were Low But Holy F*ck” Bowl, Presented By “You Gotta Give Credit To Brandon Staley For One Thing Though, He Did A Hell Of A Job To Make Sure It Was So Bad That They Had No Choice But To Fire Him Immediately And Allow Him To Enjoy The Damn Holidays”
28. New York Jets (5-9, No. 27)
The Duane Reade “Aaron Rodgers Is Back But Isn’t Going To Play And We’re Definitely Going To Let Him Take A Victory Lap Anyway” Bowl, Presented By “There’s A Nonzero Chance They Let Him Play In One Game To Execute One Handoff Or Something Because He’s Just Insane Enough To Try To Make A Big Deal Out Of It”
29. Carolina Panthers (2-12, No. 32)
The Bojangles “You Can’t Actually Believe I Have Anything To Say About The Carolina Panthers Still Even Though They Won A Game” Bowl, Presented By “Make All Of The Jokes You Want, I Genuinely Can’t Believe This Many People Chose To Attend This Football Game”
30. Arizona Cardinals (3-11, No. 29)
The University of Phoenix “Losing To Brock Purdy In Arizona Kinda Feels Like Being Shot With Your Own Gun” Bowl, Presented By “Your First Overall Pick Got Beat By Mr. Irrelevant And That Doesn’t Seem Like A Lot Of Fun”
31. New England Patriots (3-11, No. 30)
The Samuel Adams Old Fezziwig “Real Shame What Happened To The Patriots” Bowl, Presented By “Keep Your Hands Off Mike MacDonald This Offseason”\
32. Washington Commanders (4-10, No. 31)
The Ben’s Chili Bowl “Why Are You Forcing Ron Rivera To Work Through The Holidays?” Bowl, Presented By “The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same”
Photo Credit: Colin Murphy/PressBox