Here are my power rankings for Week 3 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (2-0, No. 1 ranking last week)
A 2-0 start AND they apparently signed a new player!
2. Houston Texans (2-0, No. 5)
I didn’t check the final stats but I believe they finished with 394,291,309,384,993,021,875,384,843,766 pressures against the Bears.
3. Buffalo Bills (2-0, No. 8)
Maybe you DON’T need wide receivers?
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-0, No. 16)
With all due respect to “at big underscore business underscore,” he just BAKED this man was right there.
5. New Orleans Saints (2-0, No. 17)
Right now Klint Kubiak is the MVP of the NFL.
6. San Francisco 49ers (1-1, No. 2)
The analytics say they’re OK, though.
7. Detroit Lions (1-1, No. 3)
Sure, they lost but Dan Campbell still gets points for channeling the “yeah but what if we just didn’t punt” feeling that literally every one of us has every time our team lines up to punt no matter how extraordinary the game situation is.
8. Los Angeles Chargers (2-0, No. 14)
Is J.K. Dobbins doing anything this season? I haven’t seen a single Ravens fan mention anything about it.
9. Minnesota Vikings (2-0, No. 26)
Is this real? Who could possibly know? This time last year, Desmond Ridder and the Falcons were 2-0 with a win against the Packers.
10. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0, No. 13)
Speaking of things that may not last.
11. Seattle Seahawks (2-0, No. 23)
Mike Macdonald might prove to be an insanely good NFL head coach. But you guys are doing the absolute most about someone who has to this point defeated Bo Nix and Jacoby Brissett in overtime. Truly need to keep it in the pants.
12. Philadelphia Eagles (1-1, No. 7)
It’s cool that A.J. Brown is hurt though because I’m sure my fantasy team will be just as fine with whatever a Greg Dortch is.
13. Dallas Cowboys (1-1, No. 9)
It’s that thing where you’d be worried about a pissed off Cowboys team being the Ravens’ next opponent but then also is there some sort of reason to be particularly afraid of the Cowboys in statement games?
14. New York Jets (1-1, No. 15)
The Jets won an unimpressive game against an unimpressive team and fans are acting like they won the Super Bowl and honestly, I can’t be mad at even one of them.
15. Miami Dolphins (1-1, No. 6)
They signed Tyler Huntley, sure. But did they even consider?
16. Arizona Cardinals (1-1, No. 28)
Wut.
17. Atlanta Falcons (1-1, No. 21)
Just competent quarterback play. That’s all we thought they needed.
18. Green Bay Packers (1-1, No. 20)
I mean, they did call the boot.
19. Baltimore Ravens (0-2, No. 4)
20. Cincinnati Bengals (0-2, No. 11)
This didn’t even feel good because the enemy of my enemy is still my freaking enemy, man.
21. Chicago Bears (1-1, No. 12)
The Baltimore Ravens’ offensive line thinks the Chicago Bears’ offensive line is a little shaky.
22. Las Vegas Raiders (1-1, No. 31)
That really happened. Holy sh*t that really happened.
23. Cleveland Browns (1-1, No. 25)
The Browns won a game, which must have been very confusing for their fans, BUT they also are again dealing with complete unknown about the quarterback situation, which has to be very comforting for them.
24. Los Angeles Rams (0-2, No. 10)
With Cooper Kupp and Puka Nacua sidelined, their current wide receiver room is DeMarcus Robinson, Az-Zahir Hakim, two kids dressed as a man in a trench coat and Bob from Beetlejuice.
25. New England Patriots (1-1, No. 18)
But they’ve got a solution to try to score more points.
26. Washington Commanders (1-1, No. 27)
Commanders fans didn’t get to see their team score a touchdown and it easily has to be the most encouraged they’ve felt in years.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2, No. 19)
The good news for the Jaguars is that everyone in Florida is probably too busy … getting DUI’s on their (yes) excavators … to notice.
28. Indianapolis Colts (0-2, No. 24)
Just out here losing to Malik Willis. In this economy.
29. Tennessee Titans (0-2, No. 22)
When my 9-year-old son is STILL out here putting random things around the house in his mouth:
30. Denver Broncos (0-2, No. 29)
When he has a point.
31. New York Giants (0-2, No. 30)
We could talk about them OR we could talk about how Planters’ Apple Cider Donuts peanuts are back and you guys it is criminal they aren’t available all year.
32. Carolina Panthers (0-2, No. 32)
Yeesh.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox