Here are my power rankings for Week 8 of the NFL season.
1. Indianapolis Colts (6-1, No. 2 last week)
I was trying to figure out what the best way to define how good they’ve been is and …
2. Detroit Lions (5-2, No. 3)
Shoutout to my friend Arthur Maulet.
3. Green Bay Packers (4-1-1, No. 4)
So, like, Micah Parsons is actually good, then?
4. Philadelphia Eagles (5-2, No. 5)
I keep seeing all of my Eagles fan friends tweeting about how BG is back. I’m pretty excited about it too.
So I guess I’ll see all of them when Boy George plays the Sands Bethlehem Event Center on Feb. 26.
5. Kansas City Chiefs (4-3, No. 6)
This is me playing UNO, man. Doing the absolute most. Playing a Wild when I have uno and one green card left and turning the color to red because I want them to think I have red and hope they’ll change the color back to green. Working myself into a shoot.
6. Denver Broncos (5-2, No. 7)
Right but like, what in the actual hell are the Broncos? I didn’t start this week’s power rankings until 11:30 p.m. Monday night and even I think they’re waiting too long to get things going.
7. Los Angeles Rams (5-2, No. 8)
Still, never forget that Matthew Stafford should be in jail.
8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-2, No. 1)
You will be stunned to learn that I literally traded for Mike Evans last week.
9. Seattle Seahawks (5-2, No. 11)
With the win, the Seahawks now have the best record (30-13) in the history of “Monday Night Football.”
The worst record? Belongs to me when I think “yeah, that was a tough Sunday, but I’ll get it back on Monday night.”
10. Buffalo Bills (4-2, No. 10)
The “Tom & Jerry” also appears to be a unique cocktail in Western New York, but we used that last week so I decided to dive deeper and there’s a place called Marble & Rye that is serving a drink with an interesting name (and if you fixed the capitalization, it would also be a grammatically correct sentence!)
“Amuse yourself watching others order the Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo (bourbon, rye, Irish & Scotch whiskies, house barrel bitters, lemon oleo saccharum) or try ordering one yourself and see what happens.”
11. New England Patriots (5-2, No. 12)
The Patriots and Colts are the top seeds in the AFC and could be on a collision course for the AFC championship game. Time is a f*cking flat circle, man.
12. Chicago Bears (4-2, No. 14)
Oh, they’ve won four in a row coming into the part of the season in which the schedule was supposed to be breaking for the Ravens? Neat.
13. San Francisco 49ers (5-2, No. 16)
And the only guy who is healthy is still Christian McCaffrey. That’s like getting every Baltimore radio host together and the only one that wears a nice shirt is me.
14. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2, No. 9)
Pity.
15. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3, No. 13)
The good news for the Jaguars is that no one in Florida likely even noticed because they were too busy attempting to kill their relatives and dog because they were “trying to get ’em up to heaven” to notice.
16. Minnesota Vikings (3-3, No. 15)
Carson Wentz threw two interceptions. It was the best start of J.J. McCarthy’s NFL career.
17. Carolina Panthers (4-3, No. 21)
And they were super fired up about it.
18. Dallas Cowboys (3-3-1, No. 23)
19. Los Angeles Chargers (4-3, No. 17)
The Chargers, whose powder blue uniforms might be the best in football history, chose on their own volition to dress like urine on Sunday. They had this coming.
20. Cincinnati Bengals (3-4, No. 28)
Imagine choosing pornography over this.
21. Atlanta Falcons (3-3, No. 18)
Truthfully at any time on Sunday night.
22. Houston Texans (2-4, No. 19)
Fun.
23. Washington Commanders (3-4, No. 20)
But not everyone had a bad time in Dallas.
24. New York Giants (2-5, No. 22)
25. Baltimore Ravens (1-5, No. 25)
Yes, we’re doing unique cocktails for bye week but you don’t need me to tell you about Orange Crushes or Black-Eyed Susans (which, honestly, why don’t we drink at places beside the race track? It’s delicious.) And also …
26. Cleveland Browns (2-5, No. 30)
Congratulations to the Browns, as “not being as bad as a Dolphins team whose quarterback hasn’t been the same since his brain turned into Jell-o and whose head coach is actively trying to quit every time he speaks into a microphone” is literally the biggest championship they’ve ever won.
27. Las Vegas Raiders (2-5, No. 24)
28. Arizona Cardinals (2-5, No. 26)
But sorta jealous of Cardinals fans, for whom the disappointment must feel like a very comfortable, very familiar old blanket.
29. Tennessee Titans (1-6, No. 27)
Honestly, Mike Vrabel vs. the Titans felt destined to be more like 63-13 so maybe call it a win for Tennessee?
30. New Orleans Saints (1-6, No. 29)
It makes sense that they haven’t started playing Tyler Shough though. This is valuable experience for him being mentored by a guy that’s never accomplished anything and is a year younger than he is.
31. Miami Dolphins (1-6, No. 31)
The good news is that you live in Miami. The bad news is that actual train wrecks are less horrific.
32. New York Jets (0-7, No. 32)
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox