Here are my power rankings for Week 17 of the NFL season.
(For this week’s power rankings I’m going to revisit my preseason power rankings and how terribly wrong I was about everything and how embarrassed my family should be on this holiday and every other day, really.)
1. Baltimore Ravens (13-2 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
The Ravens were No. 15 and I questioned the organization’s ability to reinvent offense, and as it turns out, that time I broke up with Kathryn because I thought there might be a chance that David’s cousin Jennifer might want to make out with me at the beach actually WASN’T my all-time biggest miss.
2. Kansas City Chiefs (11-4, No. 2)
They were No. 4 and I thought Mecole Hardman would be a rock star. While they’ve been good, Mecole Hardman has been roughly as much of a rock star as the lady who is super excited to be in the choir at midnight mass but you can’t help but notice they kept really far away from the center microphone.
3. New Orleans Saints (12-3, No. 3)
I had the Saints No. 1 and I honestly imagine this is about as right as I’m going to end up being about anything. Not about my power rankings, just like in life in general.
4. San Francisco 49ers (12-3, No. 4)
Twentieth. I had them 20th. I think I might have had Youngstown State ranked ahead of them.
5. Green Bay Packers (12-3, No. 5)
They were 10th and before you say, “Hey, you believed in them more than a lot of people did,” I also said they’d only be any good because of Aaron Rodgers. It’s like getting your wife the PERFECT necklace for Christmas but then finding out she only wears white gold.
6. New England Patriots (12-3, No. 8)
I had them at No. 2 coming into the season and did predict that losing Rob Gronkowski would hurt them more than most anyone was willing to recognize. Unlike more God-like signal callers like Lamar Jackson, mortal quarterbacks like Tom Brady are just not quite as good when they aren’t surrounded by top notch talent.
7. Minnesota Vikings (10-5, No. 6)
While I had them 13th, I said that what I didn’t like about them was “Kirk Cousins in games that matter,” so, like, GIVE ME THAT MONEY.
8. Houston Texans (10-5, No. 9)
They were seventh, as I correctly imagined them to be good enough to be good enough but not good enough to be good enough.
9. Seattle Seahawks (11-4, No. 7)
Yes, I had them 17th, but I did suggest that Russell Wilson was good enough to overcome an otherwise pedestrian roster. So I nailed that one. You might say I’m all about that action, boss.
10. Philadelphia Eagles (8-7, No. 14)
So they were sixth, but if I had known they would have about as many competent receivers as the Orioles do middle infielders, I might have been more on track.
11. Buffalo Bills (10-5, No. 10)
I guess I was just slightly off on this one. No. 30. Close!
12. Tennessee Titans (8-7, No. 11)
Put the Titans at No. 18 in the preseason rankings back when Marcus Mariota was quarterback and A.J. Brown was a wide receiver who caught the football (particularly with championships at stake).
13. Los Angeles Rams (8-7, No. 13)
They were at No. 3 in the preseason rankings because I guess I forgot the Super Bowl was a thing.
14. Dallas Cowboys (7-8, No. 12)
Unlike some people, I didn’t get too worked up about the Cowboys and had them only at No. 16. I’m pretty freaking smart sometimes, and yeah, I also said, “If they have Ezekiel Elliott, they really do have a complete roster capable of Super Bowl contention,” but it’s kinda unfair that you keep using my own actual words against me.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-7, No. 15)
The Steelers came in at No. 11 in the preseason poll. I gave a lot of credit to Mike Tomlin, who would have to replace Antonio Brown and Le’Veon Bell … and Ben Roethlisberger … and the first crappy backup quarterback … and then the next crappy backup quarterback … and just about everyone else.
16. Oakland Raiders (7-8, No. 23)
They were 23rd, which is almost exactly where they should be except I decided to move them up to 16th this week because legally speaking, they’re one of 16 teams that still technically have a chance to win the Super Bowl. All they need is to win, have six other games end in ties, the Titans declare their independence, your creepy uncle decide to skip coming over for dinner this year and for you to make it through the week without consuming more than 17 alcohols.
17. Atlanta Falcons (6-9, No. 18)
I had them at 14, which seems rather fitting for such a terribly uninteresting franchise.
18. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-8, No. 16)
It was the 29th spot for Tampa, with high expectations for Bruce Arians and real concern for Jameis Winston. So like Meatloaf once said, “I won’t do that” “Two out of three ain’t bad.”
19. Denver Broncos (6-9, No. 20)
Denver was 22nd in my preseason rankings, so not too bad. As an aside, I know folks tend to feel a little more religious during the holiday season and I kinda feel like we should take a second to thank Joe Flacco for dying for our sins so that we could experience paradise.
20. Indianapolis Colts (7-8, No. 22)
In a world where Andrew Luck was still at least a potential NFL quarterback and Adam Vinatieri was still a spry 57 or so years old, they were eighth.
21. Chicago Bears (7-8, No. 17)
They were ninth. They didn’t lose Andrew Luck. I just lost my mind.
22. Cleveland Browns (6-9, No. 19)
Not nearly as bullish as others, I had Cleveland 12th. Let’s check back in on that …
23. Arizona Cardinals (5-9-1, No. 24)
After starting No. 31 in the preseason rankings, things have actually trended up a bit here late in the season. In fact, a lot of folks are starting to believe Larry Fitzgerald could return next season for what I believe would be his 418th.
24. New York Jets (6-9, No. 25)
I thought they would be bad and had them 26th. But come on, it’s the Jets. That’s sort of stolen money.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-10, No. 21)
They were 19th, as I expected them to be uninteresting and irrelevant and nailed it.
26. Los Angeles Chargers (5-10, No. 26)
I’d honestly rather not say.
(I had them fifth. FIFTH. Not “26th and screaming about how bad it is to be in Los Angeles.” Fifth.)
27. New York Giants (4-11, No. 28)
So close! I had them 28th.
28. Miami Dolphins (4-11, No. 29)
Considering that not only did I have them 32nd but everyone on the planet thought they might be the worst team in football history (like, what, six weeks ago?), this has been a wild success.
29. Carolina Panthers (5-10, No. 27)
I had them at 21, suggesting that their parts (when they still had Cam Newton) were better than the sum of their parts. That wasn’t that bad.
30. Washington Redskins (3-12, No. 30)
They were 27th and I honestly feel rather stupid for not expecting them to be worse.
31. Detroit Lions (3-11-1, No. 31)
24th. I know we’re kinda giving them a pass because of Matthew Stafford’s injury, but this is still even worse than it should be, right?
32. Cincinnati Bengals (1-14, No. 32)
I had them 25th and predicted quarterback controversy. And honestly, who could have seen that coming?
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