Here are my power rankings for Week 3 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (2-0 record, No. 1 ranking last week)
So that was weird. Not “marrying the actual rapper Cardi B and then deciding you think she should be a little more prim and proper despite you definitely being neither of those things” weird, but weird nonetheless.
2. Baltimore Ravens (2-0, No. 2)
CBS informed us that the Ravens have now gone 12 consecutive games (well, regular season, yes) without even as much as TRAILING in the second half. That’s the longest such streak since when Elvis was … not born yet.
Seriously though, my ex-girlfriend who once lied to me about having cancer thinks that’s insane.
3. Seattle Seahawks (2-0, No. 4)
Russell Wilson is on pace to throw for a bonkers SEVENTY-TWO touchdowns this season. If you’re wondering, the NFL record is … not nearly that many.
(It’s 55. You act like you don’t have your own Google.)
4. Tennessee Titans (2-0, No. 5)
Stephen Gostkowski kicked 51- and 49-yard field goals in their win against the Jaguars, which is amazing when you consider wait, the Titans seriously didn’t cut that guy?
5. Green Bay Packers (2-0, No. 6)
I’m starting to think you can maybe sorta make some small argument that Aaron Rodgers actually might not be the washed, over-the-hill, fading quarterback actually no one besides his own front office apparently thought he was.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0, No. 8)
They haven’t been particularly impressive, but they’ve gotten by and you just know they’re not going away anytime soon. So they’re the Weezer of the NFL, I guess.
7. Buffalo Bills (2-0, No. 9)
“When the lady across the street said ‘I don’t know if I have enough freezie pops for everyone …’”
8. Arizona Cardinals (2-0, No. 10)
“When your homie’s little brother snagged that last freezie pop and you think you’re gonna get it from him …”
9. New Orleans Saints (1-1, No. 3)
I know we’re declaring Drew Brees dead when he lost one friggin’ game without maybe the best wide receiver in the NFL but also, yeah you guys, it’s just about over.
10. San Francisco 49ers (1-1, No. 7)
Typically teams that win don’t drop three spots, but typically they don’t lose Jimmy Garoppolo and George Kittle and Deebo Samuel and Raheem Mostert and Dee Ford and Richard Sherman and Nick Bosa and their cell phone and their keys and that T-shirt they got at the Gotye concert and their Subway card and they were just TWO punches away from a free tuna melt, damn it.
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1, No. 14)
Tom Brady is now 49-13 all-time in games after losses, which is incredible because I would have definitely taken the under if you had set the number at 60 career losses for Tom Brady.
12. Las Vegas Raiders (2-0, No. 19)
So … ummm … maybe we owe Jon Gruden an apology?
Not from me, obviously. I’m just a silly internet power rankologist. But you, he probably heard what you said.
13. New England Patriots (1-1, No. 13)
It was nice that the Patriots were able to pry Steve Belichick away from his other gig to work the game Sept. 20. You know, the one where he cooks meth with his high school science teacher in New Mexico …”
14. Los Angeles Rams (2-0, No. 15)
Sure, they’re 2-0 but they’ve played the NFC East. This is like Florida playing Chattanooga and a Louisiana-Monroe or something and wanting us to believe that they’re for real. I’m gonna need a little more evidence.
15. Houston Texans (0-2, No. 11)
So … ummm … maybe we DON’T owe Bill O’Brien an apology?
But in my best Wayne, Daryle, Squirrelly Dan and Miss Katy voices, “To be fair …”
… they did start the season by playing the two best teams in the NFL. I mean, I don’t think they’re secretly good, but we can’t simply bury them just yet.
16. Dallas Cowboys (1-1, No. 18)
Congratulations I guess are in order to the Cowboys for the Falcons completely forgetting how space, gravity and the laws of humanity work and technically “winning” a football game, thus essentially clinching their god-awful division in the process.
17. Los Angeles Chargers (1-1, No. 21)
Truly no clue what to make of the Chargers nearly taking down the Chiefs in Justin Herbert’s debut. I’d say it was the most confusing thing to happen in California this week, but then again there was a VIRTUAL dog-surfing competition.
18. Chicago Bears (2-0, No. 22)
Remember what I said about the Rams? I’m not going to get excited about Michigan starting a season with wins against Ball State and
Appalachian State Idaho, either.
19. Indianapolis Colts (1-1, No. 23)
Mo-Alie Cox had a 100-yard receiving game against the Vikings Sept. 20. If he’s ever relevant in future, ppl forget that Mo-Alie Cox used to be a basketball player.
20. Minnesota Vikings (0-2, No. 12)
It’s almost like getting rid of your best wide receiver doesn’t actually solve all of your team’s offensive problems.
21. Atlanta Falcons (0-2, No. 16)
When she says, “Sarah is my friend — what, do you not like her?”
22. Cleveland Browns (1-1, No. 28)
The Browns recorded a narrow win against a franchise that has won four of its last 29 games and is starting a rookie quarterback, or as they called it in Cleveland, “the greatest thing that’s ever happened to us.”
23. Denver Broncos (0-2, No. 17)
With Drew Lock hurt and Courtland Sutton done for the year I probably could have dropped them further. And yeah, I probably could have paid more attention in school and gotten a nice computer job instead of making bad jokes while pretending to have the authority to rank professional football teams, but I am where I am, dad.
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1, No. 27)
The question everyone is asking is, “Is Gardner Minshew real?” But is that really the standard we want to operate with? I mean, Natural Light peanuts are real. Shouldn’t we aim for better?
25. Carolina Panthers (0-2, No. 24)
Sure, they’re 0-2 while Cam Newton is elsewhere looking like a damn Avenger, but at least Christian McCaffrey is hurt, too.
26. Washington Football Team (1-1, No. 26)
OhNoWeSuckAgain dot gif
27. Miami Dolphins (0-2, No. 25)
Obviously I don’t care remotely about the Dolphins, but here’s Tua’s little brother and Rakim Jarrett throwing some balls around before they absolutely urinate all over Vegas’ 2.5 win total projection. (But not really … and probably, not really.)
28. Philadelphia Eagles (0-2, No. 20)
The Eagles haven’t been this bad since basically everything other than Hotel California.
29. Cincinnati Bengals (0-2, No. 29)
The good news is that Joe Burrow looks legit. The bad news is that Cincinnati Bengals.
30. New York Giants (0-2, No. 30)
I firmly believe they are capable of being just as good without Saquon Barkley as they were with him.
31. Detroit Lions (0-2, No. 31)
The Lions have lost 14 of their last 15 games and are a top-two worst team in NFL and top-two worst thing in Michigan. But unlike the Jets, there’s absolutely no chance of them taking the other title away from Kid Rock.
32 New York Jets (0-2, No. 32)
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