Here are my power rankings for Week 3 of the NFL season.
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-0 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
When we talk about the greatest two-sport athletes of all time, it is my sincerely held belief that we should do more to recognize Rob Gronkowski. The man is only 10 touchdowns away from 100 AND is a former WWE 24/7 champion and should be somewhere just behind Deion Sanders and Jim Brown but far ahead of Tim Tebow.
2. Los Angeles Rams (2-0, No. 6)
Do I believe the Rams are really the second-best team in the NFL? No, probably not.
Do I believe that when you do this exercise, you need to acknowledge that a team you think is pretty good has won their games so they deserve to be close to the top at a point where basically everyone has beaten everyone else? Yeah, probably.
Do I believe that we deserved about five seasons more of John C. McGinley’s character on “Brooklyn Nine-Nine?” Oh. Hell. Yes.
3. Arizona Cardinals (2-0, No. 5)
We agree that no matter what network is airing Kyler Murray this season, Gus Johnson should be required to be calling the game, right?
FOX, CBS, NBC, ESPN2, Animal Planet, BBC America, OnlyFans, whatever. Where Kyler goes, Gus goes too.
4. Kansas City Chiefs (1-1, No. 1)
Jackson > Mahomes >>>>> Jackson Mahomes.
5. San Francisco 49ers (2-0, No. 11)
Deebo (Samuel) might be leading the NFL in receiving yards but he should be willing to acknowledge that he’s lucky the Eagles didn’t call up Craig (James) from their practice squad because he probably would have been knocked the you know what out.
6. Las Vegas Raiders (2-0, No. 13)
When you immediately regret telling your friend in ninth grade that you’ll help him practice unhooking a bra.
7. Buffalo Bills (1-1, No. 8)
When you agree to spend the rest of your lives pretending such a thing never actually occurred.
8. Baltimore Ravens (1-1, No. 15)
About time we started recognizing Hollywood Brown as the “dual threat” player we’ve always known he could be.
9. Cleveland Browns (1-1, No. 9)
We were SO close to “following up a moral victory loss that made you believe you could win the Super Bowl by losing at home to the Texans,” which would have been the single most Cleveland thing to have happened other than a fire on a lake.
10. Dallas Cowboys (1-1, No. 19)
But since Tony Pollard has taken over the No. 1 job, we’re probably only a few days away from Eric DeCosta trading a seventh-round pick for Ezekiel Elliott and somehow Dallas paying the majority of his salary, right?
11. Seattle Seahawks (1-1, No. 3)
I guess you could say Seattle needs to get things “Kraken” defensively, huh?
You absolutely shouldn’t, of course, but it’s legally an option.
12. Los Angeles Chargers (1-1, No. 4)
Me: “Justin Herbert is so fun to watch. I think I’m going to truly buy into the Chargers.”
13. Green Bay Packers (1-1, No. 14)
14. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1, No. 7)
Let’s see how yinz are handling what was an inevitable crash back to reality.
15. Tennessee Titans (1-1, No. 16)
So you mean to tell me that Julio Jones is still super helpful and probably would have been worth trading minimal compensation in order to acquire? Well I never.
16. Carolina Panthers (2-0, No. 22)
Making Sam Darnold look like a real NFL quarterback? That’s even more impressive than making Applebee’s looking like an actual fancy option for date night.
17. New England Patriots (1-1, No. 17)
18. Denver Broncos (2-0, No. 23)
Courtland Sutton leads the league in air yards with 301, so yes, of course I benched him this week and you absolutely did not need to ask.
19. Miami Dolphins (1-1, No. 10)
Really bummed for the second-best Tagovailoa, though.
20. New Orleans Saints (1-1, No. 12)
I regret to inform you that the Jameis Winston MVP campaign has been momentarily paused.
21. Washington Football Team (1-1, No. 21)
Congratulations to WFT on lucking its way into a narrow victory against a terrible team, an undisputed top-10 moment in recent franchise history.
22. Philadelphia Eagles (1-1, No. 20)
But if we’re being fair, there are Eagles who have looked worse.
23. Chicago Bears (1-1, No. 24)
I’m relatively certain that SOMETHING interesting must have happened in the Bears-Bengals game and if any of you are capable of telling me what it was, I’ll happily allow you to handle all of the posts here for future Bears-Bengals games.
24. Cincinnati Bengals (1-1, No. 18)
I mean, I can tell you something interesting that happened in the UNIVERSITY of Cincinnati’s football game. Mildly interesting, but interesting. That’s something, right?
25. Minnesota Vikings (0-2, No. 25)
I’m absolutely exhausted from reading about how well Kirk Cousins is playing (roughly 600 yards through two games, five touchdowns, no picks) and trying to believe he’s not the singular reason they’re 0-2. I flatly refuse.
26. Houston Texans (1-1, No. 26)
27. Indianapolis Colts (0-2, No. 27)
NFL: “We’re going to show you the Indianapolis Colts in season on Hard Knocks.”
The world: Searches for “Ryan Reynolds but why gif”
28. Atlanta Falcons (0-2, No. 28)
Watching the Falcons is about as fun as going grocery shopping in Oklahoma right now.
29. New York Giants (0-2, No. 29)
We could talk about the Giants. Or you could watch this video about making an apple cider donut cake and see me back here shortly to finish up.
30. Detroit Lions (0-2, No. 30)
You know what? Maybe just go watch the video again actually.
31. New York Jets (0-2, No. 31)
More like Zach Wiiiiilson, emmirite?
(It’s because he’s thrown five interceptions so far. No one has ever referred to an interception as an “I.” It’s just, these teams at the bottom of the list … they’re so very very bad.)
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2, No. 32)
The good news for the Jaguars is that the fans in Florida are probably too busy driving naked through a tollbooth or seven or something like that to notice. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put “or something like that” in there. I meant what I said.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox