Here are my power rankings for Week 4 of the NFL season.
1. Los Angeles Rams (3-0 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
DeSean Jackson looks great! So … I guess … happy 2008 everyone! I’m looking forward to seeing Drillbit Taylor. It looks funny!
2. Arizona Cardinals (3-0, No. 3)
Me: “Wow. I have everything perfectly planned and prepared for the week. I’ve never felt this good going into a Monday.”
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1, No. 1)
Just like I kept trying to tell you, Brady’s too old and there’s just no way this was ever going to work.
4. Buffalo Bills (2-1, No. 7)
Remember when they lost to the Steelers? Pretty appropriate reaction the entire country had to that.
But seriously though what the funk was that?
5. Las Vegas Raiders (3-0, No. 6)
Is there even a remote doubt that the downfall of the Patriots began the moment the Raiders took Hunter Renfrow 10 picks before they most certainly would have in the fifth round?
6. Los Angeles Chargers (2-1, No. 12)
Brandon Staley calling Justin Herbert a gangster is the greatest use of the use since Lil Wayne sat down with Katie Couric.
7. Green Bay Packers (2-1, No. 13)
When you’re about to leave the ninth-grade band concert and your friend is asking his mom if everyone can come over to play GoldenEye on N64 and then she’ll drive them all to the high school for flag football the next morning and you can literally watch her think through whether she really wants to have to stop at Royal Farms in order to make sure there’s enough milk for everyone to have cereal but you eventually get the answer you were looking for.
8. Baltimore Ravens (2-1, No. 8)
9. Cleveland Browns (2-1, No. 9)
The transitive property suggests that if Myles Garrett had been up against the Ravens’ Week 1 offensive line he probably would have finished with 283,449,383 sacks on the game.
10. Dallas Cowboys (2-1, No. 10)
Even more impressive considering what they had to overcome.
11. San Francisco 49ers (2-1, No. 5)
Leaving 37 seconds for Aaron Rodgers has to be the worst decision anyone’s made in California recently. OK, second worst.
12. Kansas City Chiefs (1-2, No. 4)
I would like to purchase a painting of Andy Reid enjoying his first cheeseburger after a medical scare. Imagine a moment more beautiful.
13. Tennessee Titans (2-1, No. 15)
When someone tells me it’s too early to be shopping for Christmas decorations.
14. Carolina Panthers (3-0, No. 16)
15. Denver Broncos (3-0, No. 18)
I’ve been trying to think of an analogy for the Broncos being 3-0 but doing it against the Giants, Jets and Jaguars. I feel like it’s sorta like finding out you’ve won free food for a month … from Ihop.
It’s not nothing but like, it’s also kinda nothing?
16. New Orleans Saints (2-1, No. 20)
Is Jameis Winston an elite quarterback?
17. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1, No. 24)
I’ve never felt more like the Chris Farley gif in my life than the moment when “HAHAHAHAHALOLAOLOALAOLOLOLO STEELERS” became “Joe Burrow and Ja’Marr Chase are A THING” in my head.
18. Minnesota Vikings (1-2, No. 25)
I feel like we’re not talking enough about this absolutely insane play.
19. Seattle Seahawks (1-2, No. 11)
20. Miami Dolphins (1-2, No. 19)
The good news for the Dolphins is that no one in Florida even likely saw what happened because they were all probably too busy trying to return a car they had actually stolen or something. Ah. Once again the “or something” definitely wasn’t needed.
21. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2, No. 14)
22. New England Patriots (1-2, No. 17)
At least their fans won’t have to watch their hot ex-girlfriend make out with their equally hot new boyfriend at their own mother’s house this weekend, too.
23. Washington Football Team (1-2, No. 21)
What do the WFT and Senate Democrats have in common?
“Failure with the Bills.”
24. Philadelphia Eagles (1-2, No. 22)
It’s not all bad news for the Eagles and their fans though. I mean, Krispy Kreme has a Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cinnamon Roll now. Things are really looking up.
25. Chicago Bears (1-2, No. 23)
The Bears say they might start Andy Dalton or Justin Fields or Nick Foles or Kyle Orton or Caleb Hanie or Steve Stenstrom or Moses Moreno or does it even matter next.
26. Atlanta Falcons (1-2, No. 28)
We could talk about the Falcons-Giants game but I assure you that you’d be better off watching this video of Leon Bridges playing “Texas Sun” at Rams Head Live the other night instead. Holy hell what a night this was in our city.
27. Houston Texans (1-2, No. 26)
If the Houston Texans were offered three firsts and three thirds for Deshaun Watson and didn’t say yes, they’re dumber than … Bill O’Brien’s Houston Texans.
28. Indianapolis Colts (0-3, No. 27)
29. Detroit Lions (0-3, No. 30)
There was likely a good bit of mom’s spaghetti vomited up in Detroit after that. But like … really.
30. New York Giants (0-3, No. 29)
When they tell you they’ll retire your number but you have to attend a New York Giants game to receive the honor.
31. New York Jets (0-3, No. 31)
I’m a little jealous of how stress-free Sundays must have been for Jets fans for the last decade, though.
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-3, No. 32)
If this story had been about a Jaguars beat writer, not only would we not have been surprised, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have bothered to press charges.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox