Here are my power rankings for Week 5 of the NFL season.
1. Arizona Cardinals (4-0 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
The Arizona Cardinals have lost fewer games than the St. Louis Cardinals since Labor Day, which shouldn’t be remarkable but turned out to be actually kinda remarkable.
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1, No. 3)
When you’re literally Tom Brady.
3. Buffalo Bills (3-1, No. 4)
I understand quantum mechanics better than I understand how this team lost to Pittsburgh.
4. Los Angeles Chargers (3-1, No. 6)
5. Los Angeles Rams (3-1, No. 1)
Sure, you might have been embarrassed in your very next game right after staking your claim as the best team in football BUT, you guys, there are Cinnamon Bun Snickers now.
6. Green Bay Packers (3-1, No. 7)
Congratulations to Aaron Rodgers on tying Dan Marino for sixth all time with his 420th touchdown. Strangely, Marino didn’t make it to Green Bay for the ceremony. Even stranger, in what proved to be a classic mixup, Snoop Dogg did.
7. Baltimore Ravens (3-1, No. 8)
8. Cleveland Browns (3-1, No. 9)
You: “Isn’t that nice that Baker Mayfield was helping his offensive lineman tie his shoes?”
Me: “It’s not like he was busy doing anything else.”
9. Dallas Cowboys (3-1, No. 10)
Is it possible that Trevon Diggs was somehow even MORE undervalued than Stefon Diggs?
10. Las Vegas Raiders (3-1, No. 5)
Falling behind 21-0 at the half HAS to be the football equivalent of “spending hours helping a search party hunt for a missing person before realizing they’re looking for you,” right?
11. Kansas City Chiefs (2-2, No. 12)
Congratulations to Andy Reid for 100 wins in the NFC, 100 wins in the AFC and I’m just going to go ahead and guess at least 100 wings in a KFC.
12. Seattle Seahawks (2-2, No. 19)
Congratulations to Russell Wilson, who joined Peyton Manning as the only quarterbacks to win 100 games in their first 10 seasons AND for being able to do a few things I’m not totally sure Manning was capable of doing himself.
13. Cincinnati Bengals (3-1, No. 17)
Sure, the Bengals’ 3-1 start is very impressive. But it’s not the most impressive thing that happened in Cincinnati this weekend. That honor belongs to this officiant.
14. San Francisco 49ers (2-2, No. 11)
They’re going to be without Jimmy Garoppolo for a while, which is weird because that almost never happens.
15. Tennessee Titans (2-2, No. 13)
The good news is that they’ll get Julio Jones and A.J. Brown back. The bad news is that Julio Jones and A.J. Brown don’t play defense.
16. Carolina Panthers (3-1, No. 14)
“I’m sorry, son. You’re just not going to be able to go to college. Dad spent your college fund in FAAB in order to get Chuba Hubbard in 2021. I mean, yeah, I have SOME regrets but what’s in the past is in the past.”
17. Denver Broncos (3-1, No. 15)
And then Vic Fangio went on “and speaking of bullshit, you guys get a load of this Nate fella on the show ‘Ted Lasso?’ What a piece of work that fella is …”
18. Washington Football Team (2-2, No. 23)
If you truly hate the WFT, its undaunted pursuit of an 8-9 record has to be about the absolute best-case scenario, no?
19. New Orleans Saints (2-2, No. 16)
More like “TAKE SOME Hill, emmirite?”
20. Minnesota Vikings (1-3, No. 18)
This is more remarkable than rushing for 100 yards as a team in a bunch of consecutive games.
21. Chicago Bears (2-2, No. 25)
I’ve actually got a lot of takes about the Bears this week. First, how in the bloody hell did Walker manage to beat Chunk in the quarterfinals? Second, we all agree that while Otis is the favorite, he had a cakewalk to the final, right?
What? You guys aren’t glued to “Fat Bear Week” the way I am? You should be.
22. New England Patriots (1-3, No. 22)
When you’re working through the mental gymnastics of wanting Tom Brady to lose but also not wanting the Patriots to win:
23. Indianapolis Colts (1-3, No. 28)
Obviously there’s nothing about the Colts that’s particularly worth discussing at the moment BUT did you guys see the catch Morgan State wide receiver Wesley Wolfolk made this weekend? It is my opinion that you should.
24. Miami Dolphins (1-3, No. 20)
But the good news for the Dolphins is that people in Florida probably didn’t even notice because they’re too busy, I don’t know, twerking for police in the rain after a routine traffic stop … or something.
Update: as always, the “or something” part wasn’t remotely necessary.
25. Philadelphia Eagles (1-3, No. 24)
Not all of the appearances from The Eagles this weekend were bad, though.
26. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-3, No. 21)
Sunday Glenn: “The Steelers suck! Life is so good!”
Monday Glenn: “Mike Tomlin and Aaron Rodgers smiled at each other and he’s obviously going to play for them next year and I’m not sure I even want to be alive.”
This is like when I finally told Leslie Myers that I liked her in 11th grade and then Ryan Anderson broke up with his girlfriend the next day and I KNEW he was going to ask Leslie out and look, it’s not that big of a deal. I really barely think about it and I’m over it and have been for at least 20 days.
27. New York Giants (1-3, No. 30)
“To the Class of 2022, I wish you success. I wish you health. I wish you ever experience a level of joy similar to Jabrill Peppers thinking there could be a chance that he might get to experience the feeling of winning a single football game.”
28. New York Jets (1-3, No. 31)
I simply hope their parade has concluded by the time they have to travel to London.
29. Atlanta Falcons (1-3, No. 26)
We could talk about the Atlanta Falcons ORRRRRR we could talk about Fried Babybel cheese crusted in chili heatwave Doritos. Up to you.
30. Houston Texans (1-3, No. 27)
Facebook servers think the Texans are easy to take down.
31. Detroit Lions (0-4, No. 29)
Lions fans: Well there’s no way anything could be worse than giving up a fourth-and-19 and then losing on a 66-yard field goal.
The Lions: Bet.
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-4, No. 32)
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox