Here are my power rankings for Week 10 of the NFL season.
1. Arizona Cardinals (8-1 record, No. 4 ranking last week)
Colt McCoy and James Conner leading the best team in the NFL is a sentence that totally makes sense … if you just did as much acid as Joe did in Season 2 of “You.”
2. Tennessee Titans (7-2, No. 7)
Just like we all thought. The Titans would be JUST FINE without Derrick Henry because of that suffocating defense we definitely knew they had. Kinda embarrassing for you guys that you didn’t listen.
3. Baltimore Ravens (6-2, No. 8)
The Ravens are better at coming back from down multiple touchdowns in the second half than I am at reminding myself that I need to get my flu shot … and then four weeks later saying ,”Oh yeah, I need to get my flu shot!”
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-2, No. 6)
A fun fact about the Buccaneers? They could also be called the “meat smokers.”
“The term buccaneer was taken from the Spanish bucanero and derives from the Caribbean Arawak word buccan, a wooden frame on which Tainos and Caribs slowly roasted or smoked meat, commonly manatee.”
5. Los Angeles Rams (7-2, No. 1)
Rams GM Les Snead’s kids got him a “F*ck them picks” mug to commemorate him trading away about a decade’s worth of draft picks…
… which is funny and cheeky and all right up until you find out that he also threw in your college fund to make the Von Miller trade happen.
6. Green Bay Packers (7-2, No. 2)
I know that Thanksgiving could be awkward this year but will it be “wasted a first-round pick on a quarterback when you already had the best one on the planet and desperately needed another target for him to throw the ball to and that decision might have cost you a shot at a Super Bowl last year and alienated your relationship with your beloved franchise quarterback in the process who very clearly wants out and then lied about being vaccinated for COVID and made up a bunch of nonsense in order to avoid it only to have to miss a game that you would have won easily because the Chiefs stink but instead you lost which could ultimately cost you the No. 1 seed in the NFC and you lost because that first-round pick quarterback looked significantly worse than Kyle freaking Boller and there’s absolutely zero way that you could have even a lick of faith in him moving forward because he managed to score just seven points against one of the worst defenses in football history and that beloved quarterback has now become an international laughingstock” awkward?
7. Dallas Cowboys (6-2, No. 3)
I’m Micah Parsons. Here am I after one friggin’ week where the Cowboys weren’t shoved in my face when I had a chance to watch a national TV game. The bug is the Dallas Cowboys, who were totally embarrassing but inevitably WILL NOT LEAVE ME ALONE.
8. Buffalo Bills (5-3, No. 5)
The whole “Manningcast” curse thing isn’t real. I mean, just because everyone who has come on the show (including Josh Allen last week) has lost the following week, that doesn’t mean anything. I mean, they had Pat McAfee on a few weeks ago and has anything awful happened to him?
OH MY GOD NEVER GO ON THIS SHOW.
9. New England Patriots (5-4, No. 12)
When no one came back to the office after the pandemic and if you’re being honest, this is just who you are now and literally nothing is going to change it and no, I’m not speaking of anyone specifically.
10. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-3, No. 14)
11. Los Angeles Chargers (5-3, No. 15)
Who is dumber? Me, the guy who attempted to trade Justin Herbert and Javonte Williams for Patrick Mahomes last week … or my buddy Brad, who declined it?
12. Kansas City Chiefs (5-4, No. 13)
When “no, it’s totally cool if you invite your ex-girlfriend to our wedding, I actually really like her and I’m glad you’ve stayed friends with her over the years” comes up the night you’re putting together the seating assignment for the reception.
13. Cleveland Browns (5-4, No. 16)
The Browns’ offensive line is better at run blocking than the cast of the show “The Masked Singer” is at pretending like it’s excited about the person who hasn’t been relevant in a decade being revealed.
14. Cincinnati Bengals (5-4, No. 9)
When you remember that the team you root for is the Cincinnati Bengals.
15. New Orleans Saints (5-3, No. 10)
No matter how much you’re struggling with Daylight Savings, you’re DEFINITELY still having a better week than Demario Davis.
16. Las Vegas Raiders (5-3, No. 11)
Remember the good old days when the worst thing about the Raiders was the owner’s haircut? Those days were a hoot.
17. Indianapolis Colts (4-5, No. 19)
The band “Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats” thinks Jonathan Taylor is consistently good.
18. Denver Broncos (5-4, No. 23)
Some of you all just aren’t intelligent enough to handle the most important numbers that football’s analytics has to offer.
19. Seattle Seahawks (3-5, No. 18)
A bye week fun fact about Seahawks? They’re even more friggin’ fraudulent than Pete Carroll’s play calling on the 1-yard line in a Super Bowl.
The Seattle Seahawks’ “seahawk” isn’t actually a sea hawk.
Before every home game, the team releases a trained bird named Taima to fly out of the tunnel before the players, lead them onto the field and get the crowd jazzed up for the game. But the nine-year-old bird is an augur hawk (also known as an augur buzzard), native to Africa, not a seafaring species that can properly be called a sea hawk.
20. Atlanta Falcons (4-4, No. 26)
I understand Chris Pratt’s lack of awareness as a human more than I understand the Falcons being a playoff team if the season ended today.
21. Minnesota Vikings (3-5, No. 17)
Congratulations to the Vikings on a history-making season!
22. San Francisco 49ers (3-5, No. 20)
Obviously we have no interest in talking about the San Francisco 49ers so instead, let’s talk about PECAN PIE CHEESECAKE YOU GUYS.
23. Philadelphia Eagles (3-6, No. 21)
You: I started Christian McCaffrey over James Conner in fantasy football. I’m so stupid. I must be having the worst day ever.
Eagles running back Boston Scott: hold my beer.
24. Carolina Panthers (4-5, No. 22)
When your quarterback is Sam Darnold, honestly:
25. New York Giants (3-6, No. 27)
From the “obviously you weren’t watching the Giants-Raiders game but you should know this because it’s pretty cool” file, the game-winning play to pull off the upset was made by … Baltimore native Quincy Roche. Making it all the more pleasant … the Steelers just outright gave up on him a few weeks back.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6, No. 29)
You guys are all freaking out about the whole “Josh Allen intercepting Josh Allen” thing. Don’t allow it to distract you from the fact that Britney Spears’ father, sister and brother in law are all named Jamie. #StayWoke
27. Chicago Bears (3-6, No. 24)
28. New York Jets (2-6, No. 25)
Pretty hard to recover from losing the man that was going to be the NFL’s next unanimous MVP, tbh.
29. Miami Dolphins (2-7, No. 30)
Hard to blame the Dolphins for not trading Xavien Howard to the Ravens what with such a critical playoff preview matchup coming up on Thursday night.
30. Washington Football Team (2-6, No. 28)
Pretty tough to come up with a bye week fun fact for a team when the team name is “Football Team.” Did you know a franchise has literally had roughly a year and a half to come up with a name (after nearly a decade of conversation about a possible change) and Still. Somehow. HASN’T???
But also, did you know that it could have been the Washington Episkyros Team? Their logos would have never much of an issue …
“Around 2000 BC, in ancient Greece, a game of ball called Episkyros (also known as Phaindina) was invented. The game was played predominantly by men but also women took part in it sometimes. They all played naked.”
31. Houston Texans (1-8, No. 31)
The good news for the Texans is that the game happened in Florida and folks there are probably too busy, I dunno, getting high and drunk and then trying to rob a Waffle House with only FINGER GUNS … or something … and yeah, as you already know, the “or something” is 1000 percent unnecessary.
32. Detroit Lions (0-8, No. 32)
Bye week fun fact about lions? I am not kidding about this. I JUST learned why it is that his name was “Simba” in “The Lion King.”
“The name for lion in Swahili, an African language, is ‘Simba.'”
Did everyone else know this? Am I the dumbest human being ever? I mean, other than the people who continue to spend their money on the Detroit Lions???
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox