Here are my power rankings for Week 11 of the NFL season.
1. Tennessee Titans (8-2 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
Do I really think they’re the best team in the NFL? I mean, PROBABLY not? But is everyone not named the Detroit Lions basically tied for “not very good” at this point and this stands out?
Yeah. Basically that.
2. Arizona Cardinals (8-2, No. 1)
Just really terrible news all around for the folks in Arizona. First, there’s no guarantee Kyler Murray is going to be back this week. Second, Reese’s sold out of its Peanut Butter Cup pies so now you’re just gonna have to settle for eating 20 regular peanut butter cups like a peasant.
3. Green Bay Packers (8-2, No. 6)
Look. I know we’re ready to just move on from the Aaron Rodgers topic but there are a lot of vulnerable people who think that being famous and having a blue check mark makes someone an expert about a topic and we have an obligation to make sure we use our platforms to speak the actual truth and not just be distracted by a football playOU GUYS SNOW PICTURES ZOMGGGGGG
4. Dallas Cowboys (7-2, No. 7)
The Cowboys won a football game and now I get to hear about them even more frequently than Megan Thee Stallion’s hot sauce. Joy.
5. Buffalo Bills (6-3, No. 8)
According to Pro Football Focus, Stefon Diggs has a 93.6 grade against single coverage this season, which is best among all NFL wide receivers.
Normally this is where I would have compared him to a disappointing Ravens receiver to voice continued frustration that the Ravens neither drafted nor traded for Diggs when his price was reasonable but, you know, the Ravens’ receivers are pretty good now! What a moment! Instead of “surface of the sun level raging jealousy” it’s only like “edge of a Hot Pocket level raging jealousy.” That’s progress!
6. New England Patriots (6-4, No. 9)
Rhamondre Stevenson and Brandon Bolden really went off in Damien Harris’ absence. A handful of specific fantasy football owners were probably disappointed that the Patriots’ backfield was about the only thing this weekend that wasn’t Taylor’s Version.
7. Los Angeles Rams (7-3, No. 5)
8. Baltimore Ravens (6-3, No. 3)
Hey man, a lot of folks go to Miami and end up being a liability at work the next day.
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3, No. 4)
The good news for the Buccaneers is that the folks in Florida are probably too busy, I dunno, beating up their cellmates because they fart too much and don’t offer courtesy flushes and speak “weird languages” or something and obviously the “or something” was just as unnecessary this time as it was every other time.
10. Kansas City Chiefs (6-4, No. 12)
There are absolutely zero coincidences.
11. Indianapolis Colts (5-5, No. 17)
I’m starting to think that you could make the argument that Jonathan Taylor is the second best Jonathan Taylor of all time.
Being the fourth player in NFL history with 100 scrimmage yards and a rushing touchdown in seven consecutive games is cool and all but until I hear him belt out “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King,” he remains behind the king.
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-3-1, No. 10)
The good news for the Steelers is that as poorly as they played, they didn’t have Ben Roethlisberger.
The bad news for the Steelers is that he’s probably going to come back.
13. Carolina Panthers (5-5, No. 24)
The 101.9 pre-set on my car radio this Thursday at noon:
14. Cincinnati Bengals (5-4, No. 14)
Here’s a bye week fun fact about bengal tigers. They’ll eat even more than “Mikey” from Life cereal.
“They have even been found to prey on venomous snakes; in a post-mortem of one male Bengal tiger from 2009, researchers found a king cobra and a monocled cobra in his stomach.”
15. Los Angeles Chargers (5-4, No. 11)
More like Justin Heartbreak, emmirite?
16. Cleveland Browns (5-5, No. 13)
If you’re a Browns fan looking for some good news … your Chryon makers seem fun?
17. New Orleans Saints (5-4, No. 15)
Congratulations to Mark Ingram for becoming the Saints’ all-time leading rusher. I imagine he’d be more celebratory but he’s probably too busy checking in on Titans quarterback Ryan Tannehill to make sure he’s OK after this vicious, game-changing hit.
18. Minnesota Vikings (4-5, No. 21)
According to FOX, the Vikings are the only team in the NFL to have had a lead of seven or more points at some point in all of their games this season. And considering everything we’ve seen the last couple of weeks, I’m not 100 percent certain they aren’t the Super Bowl favorites.
19. San Francisco 49ers (4-5, No. 22)
WHY ARE WE EVEN ATTEMPTING TO RANK THE PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAMS???
20. Las Vegas Raiders (5-4, No. 16)
21. Philadelphia Eagles (4-6, No. 23)
DeVonta Smith seems decent.
22. Denver Broncos (5-5, No. 18)
When you’re absolutely convinced someone else is going to do the dishes on Thanksgiving and you can sit in the other room because there’s just no way anyone thinks that’s your responsibility because you totally brought that pumpkin roll from the Dutch Market and you’re pretty sure your cousin Ralph didn’t even offer to help when he got there.
23. Atlanta Falcons (4-5, No. 20)
The thing is … it could have been worse. I mean, you could have been trapped inside the walls of a theater for three days while naked.
24. Seattle Seahawks (3-6, No. 19)
You guys are going after Russell Wilson for saying he was rehabbing 19 hours a day like that isn’t the EXACT advice Dr. Rogan would have given him.
25. Washington Football Team (3-6, No. 30)
26. Miami Dolphins (3-7, No. 29)
I understand Robert Hunt. My freshman year at UMBC, “Miss Jewish Maryland” and I were at the same pregame party before a Busta Rhymes show. She came up to me thinking I was a dude named David and given how interested she appeared to be, I wasn’t about to tell her otherwise.
27. New York Giants (3-6, No. 25)
Stay with me for a second. The New York Giants were named after BASEBALL’s New York Giants. Baseball’s New York Giants were named after giant buildings. Skyscrapers. So here’s a fun fact about a famous New York skyscraper. If you have complaints, file them with management. Anyhoo, did you know that someone inside the Empire State Building once survived an elevator plunging 75 friggin’ floors???
“During the 1945 bomber crash, several pieces of the B-25’s engine sliced through the Empire State Building and entered an elevator shaft. The cables for two cars were severed, including one containing a 19-year-old elevator operator named Betty Lou Oliver. The elevator plummeted from the 75th floor and soon crashed into the subbasement, but luckily for Oliver, more than a thousand feet of severed elevator cable had gathered at the bottom of the shaft, cushioning the blow. The fall may have also been slowed by a pocket of compressed air generated by the car’s rapid descent.”
28. Chicago Bears (3-6, No. 27)
A bye week fun fact about bears? They have a lot more force than the Bears.
“Grizzly bears possess a biting force of over 1200 PSI, which is enough to crush a bowling ball or an iron skillet.”
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-7, No. 26)
When you’re starting to wonder if there’s a chance LSU might not even call.
30. New York Jets (2-7, No. 28)
Yeah but Twitter asks the important questions.
31. Houston Texans (1-8, No. 31)
Here’s a bye week fun fact about the Texans — they were almost called the Houston Wildcatters instead!
“Among the names were the Apollos, Stallions, Wildcatters, Bobcats and Texans. Focus groups were held to help narrow the selection down.”
And here’s a bonus bye week fun fact! Wildcatters … have absolutely nothing to do with wildcats!
“A wildcatter is an individual who drills wildcat wells, which are exploration oil wells drilled in areas not known to be oil fields.”
So while yes, they currently have the dumbest name in the NFL (until Washington inevitably adopts “Americans”), it turns out it could be worse!
32. Detroit Lions (0-8-1, No. 32)
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox