Here are my power rankings for Week 15 of the NFL season.
1. New England Patriots (9-4 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
So we’ll have a theme this week and wonder what might be on the holiday wish list for each team. For example, the Patriots’ coach whishes that his quarterback doesn’t get hurt between now and the Super Bowl. And he would prefer that Mac Jones didn’t, either.
And a bye week fun fact: the Patriots nearly shared a nickname with a particular college in the area. Which is a shame because the Robert Kraft jokes would have been never-ending.
“From all 74 names, three names were elected as finalists with the help of the children’s essays: Minuteman, Bulls and obviously, Patriots.”
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (10-3, No. 3)
The Buccaneers’ quarterback is ACTUALLY wishing that you guys would respect him for the dual threat that he is.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (9-4, No. 4)
The Kansas City Chiefs are wishing you would go right ahead and try it.
4. Green Bay Packers (10-3, No. 5)
The Packers’ quarterback is likely wishing that “Rex Ryan talking about my foot” was the worst part of his 2021.
5. Los Angeles Rams (9-4, No. 6)
The Rams are probably wishing that they’d get bad news before every game, I guess.
6. Arizona Cardinals (10-3, No. 1)
At the top of the Cardinals’ wish list should be “the same officials for every game the rest of the way.”
7. Dallas Cowboys (9-4, No. 9)
I would think they would be wishing that no one EVER suggests the NFL abandon the concept of divisions.
8. Los Angeles Chargers (8-5, No. 10)
They’re probably wishing they knew the “throw it 64 yards in the air” play was available to them a little earlier in the season.
9. Indianapolis Colts (7-6, No. 8)
The Colts are likely wishing that after 241 carries already this season, Jonathan Taylor has … about another 241 in him.
And a bye week fun fact about how the Colts got their name: They stole it and they’re an absolutely garbage organization for continuing to flaunt another city’s history at every opportunity. They’re creeps. Absolutely creeps.
10. Tennessee Titans (9-4, No. 12)
The Titans have to be wishing that somehow there could be like four more Jaguars games this season.
11. Baltimore Ravens (8-5, No. 7)
The Ravens have to be wishing for good news. ANY sort of good news. At all. For once. Literally anything. “That shipment that was scheduled for December 23rd that you were mildly worried about now being scheduled for the 22nd” would suffice.
12. Buffalo Bills (7-6, No. 11)
At the top of the Bills’ wish list? This tweet disappearing from the internet forever.
13. San Francisco 49ers (7-6, No. 17)
It would be smart for the 49ers to wish for full, 24/7 secret service protection for George Kittle.
14. Cincinnati Bengals (7-6, No. 13)
“Dear Santa, do you have any, how do mom and dad say it … umm … consistency … you could bring us?”
15. Cleveland Browns (7-6, No. 18)
The Browns have to be wishing that “people only see the final score and don’t bother asking any more questions.”
16. Miami Dolphins (6-7, No. 16)
The Dolphins HAVE to be wishing for more time to put a package together.
Bye week fun fact about Dolphins: you know how the dolphin in Ace Ventura was named “Snowflake?” It might really have been!
“Dolphins have names! They use specific individual whistles in order to identify each other.”
17. Denver Broncos (7-6, No. 19)
Fantasy owners of a certain Broncos running back are wishing that Melvin Gordon would just GET OUT OF THE DAMN WAY ALREADY.
18. Minnesota Vikings (6-7, No. 22)
They’re wishing they had a better answer to that question you’re asking.
19. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-6-1, No. 14)
I would imagine the first line of Steelers fans’ wish lists says something along the lines of “just not Kirk Cousins, please.”
20. Washington Football Team (6-7, No. 15)
“Not being the Washington Football Team” sounds about right.
21. Philadelphia Eagles (6-7, No. 21)
I honestly don’t know because they’re a weird team to figure out but if I were them it would probably be “never having to see that Craig Robinson ‘pizza and another pizza’ commercial again.” But everyone’s different.
And a bye week fun fact about eagles? There’s a bit of a role reversal going on there.
“The most obvious differences between male and female Bald eagles are their size. Females are usually a third of the size larger than males. Females tend to weigh between ten to fifteen pounds more.”
22. New Orleans Saints (6-7, No. 25)
“A quarterback.”
23. Seattle Seahawks (5-8, No. 24)
I would think they’d be wishing to win JUST enough games that they only have to hear about how they also don’t have their first-round pick every OTHER minute of every day.
24. Las Vegas Raiders (6-7, No. 20)
Perhaps they should wish that whoever is playing the video game that is life would just go ahead and hit the reset button.
25. Atlanta Falcons (6-7, No. 26)
I think they’re probably wishing that people notice that they really aren’t THAT bad and then stop paying attention when they inevitably end up being very bad again.
26. Carolina Panthers (6-7, No. 23)
I think Panthers fans must be wishing that when the inevitable housecleaning comes, it’s not just some coaches who go.
27. New York Giants (4-9, No. 27)
“We’ll take anything you got.”
28. Chicago Bears (4-9, No. 28)
Bears fans are probably wishing for some new ownership.
29. New York Jets (3-10, No. 29)
“I dunno, maybe a THIRD team in New York that we might be able to root for or something?”
30. Houston Texans (2-11, No. 30)
If I were them, I’d wish that “maybe accidentally hiring Bill Burr to be our punter” wouldn’t even qualify as a top-10 most embarrassing moment of … the month.
31. Detroit Lions (1-10-1, No. 31)
I get the sense that Lions fans are probably so broken that they know better than to try to wish for much of anything.
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-11, No. 32)
That folks in Florida continue to be too busy attempting to settle disputes about parking spots WITH FLAMETHROWERS to even notice that any of this is happening.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox