Here are my power rankings for Week 17 of the NFL season.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (11-4 record, No. 2 ranking last week)
Traditionally around New Year’s Day, I make a prediction for each team for the next calendar year.
For example, I predict the Chiefs will have a very good chance of winning the Super Bowl and will be among the favorites to win the Super Bowl when the next season starts. But I get it, I’m an internet sports commentator so I’m inclined to throw out crazy hot takes just to get attention.
2. Green Bay Packers (12-3, No. 1)
I predict that in February, a certain sect of people will attempt to create some sort of #CancelCulture controversy because a couple of people voted for Jonathan Taylor and Aaron Rodgers wasn’t a unanimous MVP. I also predict that Rodgers will be an insufferable drama queen again for a few months before wearing a Packers uniform again in September.
3. Los Angeles Rams (11-4, No. 3)
If Michael Thomas proves he can walk, they’re going to trade the one third-round pick they have this year, their second- and third-round picks in 2023 and their first-round picks for the rest of the decade in order to get him. If he can’t, they’ll take their 2028 first-rounder out of the offer.
4. Dallas Cowboys (11-4, No. 4)
They won’t win the Super Bowl and they’ll make 15 appearances in national TV windows next season anyway.
5. Indianapolis Colts (9-6, No. 5)
Carson Wentz will inevitably be the reason an otherwise excellent roster/staff doesn’t win the Super Bowl. Oh and they’ll send out an ungodly amount of tweets comparing something about their current franchise to the Baltimore Colts for absolutely no reason whatsoever other than they’re total ghouls.
6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (11-4, No. 6)
They’ll win the Super Bowl. Because, you know, they have Tom Brady. So they’re going to win the Super Bowl.
7. Buffalo Bills (9-6, No. 9)
I predict Cole Beasley WON’T leave the NFL for a job at Newsmax but he’ll certainly weigh the inevitable offer.
8. Cincinnati Bengals (9-6, No. 12)
I’m starting to think that any time they do absolutely anything at all they’ll get up, look at someone on the other team who is clearly not bothered whatsoever and say, “What are you MAD bro? Are you SUPER PISSED that I just stretched?”
9. Tennessee Titans (10-5, No. 13)
Derrick Henry rushes for 400 yards as they win their first playoff game. Then they go on the road the next week and for whatever reason they do the stupid logo thing again and they inevitably lose.
10. New England Patriots (9-6, No. 7)
If they’re the ones facing the Titans in the first week of the playoffs, scratch what I just said.
11. Arizona Cardinals (10-5, No. 8)
They’ll somehow beat the Cowboys Sunday. It makes absolutely zero sense, I know. But they’re the Arizona Cardinals. Making zero sense is basically their existence as a franchise.
12. Miami Dolphins (8-7, No. 15)
I predict they’ll fall short of the playoffs because their remaining two games are tough, there will be a bunch of chatter about whether they’ll try to upgrade from Tua Tagovailoa, they won’t do anything to quiet any of that chatter, he’ll be the quarterback next year, both he and they will be pretty good but not quite good enough to threaten for a Super Bowl again and I’ll write this exact same post in the final week of calendar 2022.
13. Los Angeles Chargers (8-7, No. 10)
They will be very exciting and very disappointing.
14. San Francisco 49ers (8-7, No. 11)
I honestly believe they’ll end up trading Jimmy Garoppolo for more than you would expect because the Washington Football Team still exists.
15. Philadelphia Eagles (8-7, No. 18)
Whatever they do, their fans will be mad about it.
16. Las Vegas Raiders (8-7, No. 20)
There are two insanely fast Alabama wide receivers in this year’s NFL Draft. It’s safe to assume one of them will be a Raider.
17. Baltimore Ravens (8-7, No. 14)
It can’t be worse than this.
Oh, and Lamar Jackson will remind people that he’s Lamar Jackson.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-7-1, No. 16)
It’ll be Kirk Cousins or Kenny Pickett. Or both.
19. Minnesota Vikings (7-8, No. 17)
Surprising everyone, they win the Russell Wilson sweepstakes.
20. New Orleans Saints (7-8, No. 19)
The Kevin James-Sean Payton film stuns everyone and is nominated for top picture honors.
At the Razzies. But it falls short because everyone seems to think “Infinite” has it locked up.
21. Cleveland Browns (7-8, No. 21)
Their name is SERIOUSLY connected to Deshaun Watson this offseason.
(After typing this, I did a Twitter search and apparently Albert Breer already said the Browns “could be a player” for Watson. So I’m 1-0 and the year hasn’t even started yet. I’m clearly running the table. You should probably start walking to Live! Casino & Hotel with this information now.)
22. Atlanta Falcons (7-8, No. 25)
They draft a quarterback and trade Matt Ryan …
23. Denver Broncos (7-8, No. 22)
24. Houston Texans (4-11, No. 28)
Because of these surprising results and how good Davis Mills looks, we start saying things like “you know, maybe they could be a factor” throughout the offseason, blissfully ignoring that Jack Easterby is still a thing.
25. Chicago Bears (5-10, No. 30)
After seeing how Nick Foles played Sunday, they definitely hire Doug Pederson, right? I mean, they don’t give up on Justin Fields, they just try to buy themselves a backup plan.
26. Washington Football Team (6-9, No. 23)
So obviously they announce their name is going to be the “Washington Americans” because it’s exactly what they’d spend three years trying to choose. We’ll then learn that the other people involved in the name process search are going to jail for … I dunno … embezzlement, maybe? Because of that (and seeing that it’s unpopular), they announce just before the season that they’re gonna stick with “Football Team” after all and, don’t worry, the Snyders are going to be “more hands-on” moving forward to try to prevent situations like this from happening again.
27. Seattle Seahawks (5-10, No. 24)
They use the first-round pick the Vikings gave them for Russell Wilson to take Matt Corral and pair him with new head coach Brian Daboll.
28. Carolina Panthers (6-9, No. 26)
They go into yet another season without a quarterback for some bizarre reason, and it would probably be a bigger story if they weren’t the Carolina Panthers.
29. New York Jets (4-11, No. 31)
They’ll do something HUGE in free agency like Chandler Jones and Von Miller and it will of course not make even the slightest difference.
30. New York Giants (4-11, No. 29)
They’ll be dull and painfully uninteresting and play half of their games in primetime anyway.
31. Detroit Lions (2-11-1, No. 27)
This is where Baker Mayfield ends up if the Browns get Watson, right? Like … it just HAS to work out that way, doesn’t it?
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-13, No. 32)
Whatever they do, no one in Florida will notice because they’ll be too busy jumping naked on their neighbors’ trampolines, swimming in the fish tank at Bass Pro Shops, joyriding on excavators, wearing women’s underwear on flights, driving around with clown mannequins and live grenades, etc. Thank you WFTV for the “Year in Florida Man” recap.
Photo Credit: Kenya Allen/PressBox